Word of God Speak

Ok, so I literally RAN to work today from the train station. I often write my blogs on the train. Most of what I write comes to me when I'm sleeping, and then while I'm riding to work, I simply email it to myself and paste it here when I get in. Same thing often happens on the train ride home. What happened last night and today is, in my view, completely miraculous. Excited yet??? :)

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Let me start from the beginning. I met with Adoption Link on December 28 to re-up my home study and get the adoption process rolling. I had a quick second meeting with them a week later. Home study, done. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I got a call from Noreen about three days later, asking me about a placement, which I declined. What I didn't write at the time was that the child she called about was going to have a lot of special needs. Noreen told me the baby's mother had been using cocaine throughout the pregnancy, smoking, and maybe drinking. She is also a prostitute who could be carrying diseases passed to the baby.

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After that call from Noreen, I found myself talking to God a lot about what this next baby "should" be like. That didn't include any special needs. I also thought to myself that I would decline any babies that might have needs and wait for the "normal" child. Hmmm.....

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Fast forward to January 11, when I had that remarkable call from God to pray for Seth. I shared in my posting the following day that I felt led to pray for Seth's complete healing. What I didn't share is that while I was praying for Seth's healing, God asked me over and over, "Isn't Seth enough?" "Why isn't Seth enough?" "Seth is enough." "Seth is enough." I didn't know what to make of that at the time, but as I sat on it over the following weeks, I accepted that God was telling me one child is "enough" because I wasn't sure how else to understand it. Hmmm.....

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Last night I started a season of prayer to God about the "no" I heard related to this second adoption. I decided that, like Moses in Exodus 32, I could pray for God to change His "mind". That strikes me as odd. Does it you as well? That God wanted to smite the Israelites for their so-called rubber necks, more specifically what I would call faithlessness, and instead, Moses cried out for them, reminded God of His promises, and God relented. Wow! That's one of the most amazing stories in the Bible. It demonstrates the power of prayer even when God first gives a different answer! Anyway, I began to pray.....

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As I talked to God about my hopes for more children and His promises to give me the desires of my heart (more on that later) and his command to care for orphans, interestingly, what I did not hear was the "no" I've been hearing. Instead God and I ended up talking about Seth's special needs and the potential special needs of a second child. More specifically, God pointed out to me in a clear way that I'm really afraid of having another child who has needs equal to or even greater than Seth. What I spend my time hoping and praying for is a completely normal child like one of my sister's kids. (Sorry, Lisa. Easy target....)

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That's certainly not where I thought those prayers were going to lead last night. But (okay, sometimes I like that word) it reminded me in a very real way that God might be preparing me for something that needs more time to grow in me. Whether I want to admit it or not, I have some ideas about what my family "should" look like and those ideas aren't from God. See, when Noreen called about that first baby, it was pretty easy for me to look at that baby (figuratively) and say NO. But that baby, like all other orphans, needs a home too. Who is going to be the mother to the drug addicted? Who will parent the disabled? Who will love the baby with AIDS? Maybe, just maybe, God needs to work on my heart a little more before He allows me to proceed into this second adoption.

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THEN (this is the really cool part), I was riding on the train this morning, writing this blog, when it hit me. (Maybe it's more obvious to you . . . .) Just look at how all of this unfolded. The home study. The call about a baby I "couldn't" (wouldn't) accept. God telling me that Seth is "enough". Hmmm. Seth is enough. Seth is enough. That's it! Seth with all of his glorious and, at times, painful issues is ENOUGH! That is, as I've blogged about before, God and I are in this parenting thing together and whatever issues come up, we can handle them. If God gives me another special needs child, OKAY. If God gives me a VERY special needs child? OKAY! See maybe God isn't saying no to this adoption after all, but is working on me and my heart to understand that Seth is enough, with his issues, and the next baby will also be enough no matter what comes.

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Phew! God is really working on me, again. And we have more work to do. I'm resisting the temptation to call Noreen today and throw my profile in the mix because over the weekend, God and I agreed that I would pray through February (and beyond) about the question of my next child. I covet your prayers now more than ever. If I can single out my adoptive family friends for a second . . . . Carissa, Katie and Sasha. You bless me over and over with your words and your prayers. Please keep praying for me, like Moses prayed, and I will continue to pray for you and your families everyday. Thank you for doing this thing called life with Seth and me. Love you guys. Bottom line? God is enough. For everything.

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"Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to HIM be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever Amen." Ephesians 3:20

Unplugged

Ok, so I think my blog has been a teensy weensy little bit confusing lately. That's because confusion is confusing! (What's it called when you define a word with the same word???) Let me try to break it down for you.

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I want to adopt another child. Well, more precisely, I want to adopt more children. Plain and simple. I believe that God has given me the heart and the means to do it. And I happily oblige! But (I hate that word) since I've started the process this second time around, I have been troubled by some whisperings from God, I think. The whisperings seem to be saying "no" or at minimum, "Not yet." I have resisted saying that on this blog because it's a very hard thing for me to face much less write and share with my friends. I don't like being told no, especially when it comes to something that my heart longs for. In this case, more children.

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In trying to figure out what I am hearing, and what I'm not, I have been examining some of my own fears and hesitations related to this adoption. And I've written about those. Your comments and emails to me in response have spoken to my heart and have encouraged me beyond belief! There were moments, upon reading your thoughts, that I felt cleared up to proceed and so, in response, I sent my profile to Adoption Link and took the next steps. But (there it is again) then, in the quiet times between God and me, I feel something that just isn't right. It is hard for me to find words for it, but God is speaking and, in short, I don't have a green light.

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That makes me very sad. The irony is that some of your encouragement helped me to listen to God's voice. Katie said that deep down we know the leap of faith we need to take. And when I read that, I knew. She was right. Not what she was thinking she said to me, but another leap of faith. A leap to wait. Many of my identified, human hesitations are resolved. Amen! But that still small voice whispers on . . . . .

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To be clear, I don't know what this means in the long run. Does it mean no second child? Does it mean "not right now"? Is it "no" for a month? Is it "no" for a year? Could it be my own anxiety getting in the way of the decision? Could it be the enemy messing with me? I have no earthly idea. What I do know is that like Seth in the puddle, God is telling me "no" for a reason I can't see yet. Therefore, I've asked Noreen to put my profile on hold until I call her because if I know anything, it's that I'm going to need God to say GO for me to be completely right with this decision.

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And I'm sad.

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Here I am again, Lord. Relying on You to lead me. Please show me the way. Show me Your way. And Lord, when the time is right, whether it's next week or next year, please bless my family with another one of your precious children. And just so you know, next week would be good with me. God, give me the green light and make it as clear as the sun. Amen.

God's Love

Do you ever wonder if God loves you? I guess I sometimes do, honestly. And it relates to the "no" in my life. Hence, the earlier two-year-old post. It goes something like this, "If You loved me, God, you would ________." [Fill in the blank.] Don't we all have something that fits the blank? I know I do. I have a few things.

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My mom got me a great book for Christmas. I'm on my third read of it: the furious longing of God by brennan manning. The entire book is about God's love for us. I think that's why I can't stop reading it. :-) Manning writes,

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"When the night is bad and my nerves are shattered and the waves break over the sides, Infinity speaks. God Almighty shares through His Son the depth of His feelings for me, His love flashes into my soul, and I am overtaken by mystery. These are moments of kairos -- the decisive inbreak of God's fury into my personal life's story. It is then I face a momentous decision. . . . I can escape below into skepticism and intellectualism, hanging on for dear life. Or, with radical amazement, I can stay on deck and boldly stand in surrendered faith to the truth of my belovedness, caught up in the reckless raging fury that they call the love of God. And learn to pray."

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"I am my beloved's, and His desire is for ME." Song of Solomon 7:10

Two Year Olds

The longer I live, the more I realize I'm just like a two-year old. Maybe having a son who is two is reminding me of my occasionally toddler-like behavior. Today I witnessed the perfect example.

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It has been unseasonably warm here -- upper '40s today and raining. Seth and I ran some errands and, when we arrived home, we left the car outside because we were headed to Joel's later. I took Seth out of his car seat and set him on the sidewalk, pointed toward the gate to the yard, so I could grab my bags. No sooner had I turned my back then I noticed Seth was wandering around instead of heading in through the gate I had opened. As I watched his cautious steps, I quickly realized where he was headed: there was a gigantic puddle in the middle of our side yard seemingly calling to Seth. "No. Seth, no. Do not walk in there. Seth! No no no NO NO NO!!!." Despite my increasing urgency and loud screams, Seth walked himself right into the middle of that gigantic puddle and with water up to his ankles, his shoes completely submerged, turned and looked at me with a look that said, "What? What did I do????" Sigh.

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I ditched my bags, swooped up my son, and stomped into the house where, behind a little smirk of my own, I said, "Mommy said no. You must listen, Seth." Grrr. :-)

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I'm not all that different than Seth. I also don't understand why I can't do or can't have certain things that are appealing to me. I also hear the voice of my Heavenly Father, quietly at first, and then louder, telling me no, no, no, no, NO -- and yet, I don't always listen. Like Seth, I don't understand why God says no to some of the things I want. And it's hard. Frustrating, really. So in that sense, I can relate to Seth and I have more grace for him. But that doesn't make the "no" any easier when I can't see the problem with the puddle.

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“It is the Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom.” Luke 12:32

Hearing my Village!

I want to quickly respond to so much wonderful feedback I've gotten this week on my Hesitations post. Let me first say that after I posted that, I felt soooo much better! Isn't life funny that way? When we get it out of our brains, we feel better! The morning after I posted, I copied that darn little profile of mine, bound it, put clear cover on it and shipped it off to Noreen. Phew! Off my desk and onto hers! :-) I don't think I'm done praying; I know I'm not. But next step, DONE. Please keep praying for God's thoughts to be mine.

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I got some of the greatest encouragement from you when I threw out my concerns and I just have to share it here. (For those of you that I paraphrased, forgive me if I got it wrong) Sasha shared with me that she is beginning to feel more at home in the uncomfortable places that God calls her. Perhaps, she said, we are more precisely in God's will when we feel a little off kilter because God is stretching us! Amen to THAT sentiment! Pray for Sasha -- she has a house full including a precious new daughter from Ethiopia! Shana, my long-time friend (notice I didn't say old -- haha) wrote this to me today:

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"I remember us talking before Seth, how nervous, uncertain, excited, scared, ready you were. You were on the path to becoming a mom. A path I believe was His path for you and for Seth. Your feelings of uncertainty, joy, nervousness are all the emotions and the roller coaster a mom goes through as she gets ready to conceive and then after conception. . . . Does a peace every come when you're 100% certain that this is the right thing for your family? Yes it does when you're holding your baby in the middle of the night and it is just you and your baby and there is silence and a peace. When you are sitting there and watching Seth give his brother or sister a bottle, or he is 'holding' him and rubbing his cheek saying "shhh, shhh, shhh" like he has seen you do, that is peace. . . . . And what if this, having a second baby, means you don't find Mr Right? Well this is my thought. "What if" you get on a plane to Haiti, you start working and Mr Right rides in on his white rental car ready to help build a new something for the orphanage. What if he is on a mission trip, feeling lost and alone but knowing there are others who are more desperate and alone than him. . . . . God has a plan, it isn't your plan, it isn't my plan, but His. ANYthing is possible Deb."

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That's the message I can't seem to hear enough of. Let's just say I've been watching for my white rental car all day. Ha!! Then there was Rene. I talked to her about the confusion part of my posting. (Rene went to seminary, so I check a lot of my arm chair theology out on her.) She agreed!! Yippee! She also told me, however, that she thinks God DOES cause confusion at times. Just look at Job. He was sooo confused and could not figure out what was happening to him! (I'm about to study Job now, so watch out!) Anyway, Rene affirmed me right where I am (per usual) with all of my questions and wonderings. Of course, she still can't find her magic answer box....

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Nancy. Old friend, new connection. What Nancy said to me also touched my heart. She wrote, "And this really struck me -- I know you are struggling with concerns over what people think. But, what I didn't read was where you point out that, obviously, when it comes down to it, you are strong enough to push it aside because you have done exactly what most in the general populous would advise against. And you did so because you were called to do it. Talk about glorifying God!!!!" That made me giggle. She's right. I'm worried and I've already done it. Duh!

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And, Katie. She reminded me that the world's wisdom is not God's wisdom and that He can handle other people and their issues. My job (our jobs) is to be obedient. And then she wrote, "So we both have hesitations, and yet, it sounds as if we both kind of know deep down that we need to take that next step of faith." AMEN to that, sister. She's right.

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There are so many others of you who encourage me: Mama, Lisa, Nolie, Holly, Rhonda, Wendy, Carissa, Jennifer, Julie, . . . . The list goes on and on. THANK YOU for standing with me, encouraging me, and most of all, praying for me. I know God has an amazing plan for my family and I can't wait to watch it unfold -- no matter what the plan is!

A good laugh

My postings of late have been so serious that I didn't want to give anyone the impression that we weren't having a dog-gone good time over here! 'Cuz we are . . . . So in keeping with one of my all-time favorite movies, "these are a few of my favorite things" about being Seth's mommy!

• Waking up (even at 5 a.m.) to Seth's ruckus laughter in his room. I don't know anyone who does mornings better than Seth -- Papa included. Seth wakes up with such exuberance for the day, it's hard not to be happy when you hear him! (And when I say ruckus laughter, I really mean it. It's as if someone is in there tickling him!)
• Being greeted by Seth at the back door when I get home from work. I'm convinced that the entire neighborhood can hear his shrieks of delight as he shows me what he's been up to all day.
• Playing "Tackle!" with Seth. This is a game we play when we're both feeling a little silly. I say, "Seth, I'm going to tackle you in 5-4-3-2-1" while Seth runs screaming around the house. Of course, then I run and tackle him, tickle him, and just love on him.
• Reading books with Seth. Some of his current favorites are "Chugga-Chugga Choo Choo" and "Llama, Llama Red Pajama." We (well, more precisely, he) could read books for hours. I love watching him when he starts reading to himself. I know in those moments that he's imitating my voice and cadence, and it's soooo cute.
• Helping Seth learn to talk. On Sunday, we were leaving church when I noticed Seth had taken his hat off. I said, "Seth, where is your h-h-h-hat?" For the ten minute ride home, Seth then said, "HAT!" "HAT!" "HAT!" over and over while (again) laughing hysterically. I'm so glad God saw fit to give me this wildly happy child . . . . He delights my heart.
• Snuggle time. Seth is still a snuggler, even at 26 months old. We love to snuggle in the morning, snuggle after nappers, snuggle in the evenings . . . It's great. He gives some awesome hugs! I especially love the pre-bed snuggle when we read and pray. His favorite bedtime story right now is "The Lord's Prayer" which is beautifully illustrated with an African-American family helping a Grandma. Seth loves this book. And then we pray. I love how Seth is learning what it means when we pray and has started adding to the prayers. Usually, it's remembering "Papa" when we are praying for people, but I've also recently noticed that we need to pray for Clifford and Tigger (his sleeping buddies) and that I sometimes hear about the day, in Seth's language, during the prayer. God, won't you grow Seth's heart for You??
• Last, I love talking about Seth. I'm so proud of him. I love him with every fiber of my being and I love calling my family or Village to talk about the newest trick or silly thing we did together. There is nothing better than being a mom. Period.

Lord, thank you for Seth!!

Hesitations

On Sunday, my mom asked me whether I have sent my profile to Adoption Link. Answer? Um, no. It’s sitting on my desk at work – I got it from Shutterfly about ten days ago. As soon as I make some color copies of it, I will send it off so they can start showing it to birth moms. But I hesitate, and I don’t know exactly why. I have a few theories about what’s holding me back, and I don’t like any of them.
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From an early age, we learn to care about what people think of us. As Pastor Todd noted in his sermon yesterday, even his three-year-old son knows that he wants his daddy to be proud of him and praise him and give him the “thumbs up” when he performs well. Does that ever end? For me it hasn’t. For me, I still worry what my colleagues, friends, family, and, yes, at times, even strangers, think of me. That’s irritating! I ask myself, “What does it matter what they think?!?” when there is really only One opinion that matters:
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“But now, this is what the LORD says—He who created you, O Jacob, he who has formed you, O Israel: ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.’” Isaiah 43:1
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“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” Jer. 1:5
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“In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.” 1 John 4:9-11
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I unfortunately think that one of the reasons I’m hesitating to send in my profile and really get moving is because, “What will people think?” Gasp Apparently, I have not completely worked through my feelings on this point. Two close friends, who I love a ton and respect even more, have expressed their “concern” about another adoption. And I put concern in quotes because it is a soft concern – more questions than anything else. Jen says it is hard to raise children, much less two children (or more). She’s right about that. Wendy says she worries about my desire to be married and questions what another child does to that mix. Me too. Sigh.
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I care what my Village of Encouragement says to me. And I think I should. (“The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.” Proverbs 12:15). I’m equally sure I shouldn’t get too wrapped up into what other people outside of my Village think about my decisions. But honestly, I care what people think. I care if you think I’m nuts and that this decision means I will be single forever. I care if a stranger concludes I must have a “partner” (as opposed to a husband) since I’m not married and have children. Ouch. I care if my colleagues think I’m crazy to have one, much less two, kids alone, while practicing full-time. I care. Theory number one: Too worried about what people think. What do you think?
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About three days after our home study was complete I got a call from Noreen, the social worker who works with birth moms and who first placed Seth into my arms. I assumed she was calling about more paperwork or information she needed. Nope. She was calling because she has a baby to place. A mom who is due to give birth in two weeks and does not want to choose the adoptive family. A mom with a baby who is going to have a lot of needs, at least initially. Did I want this baby? I panicked. I told Noreen that I needed to think (read: pray) and would call her back. At that point, I hadn’t even told my firm that I was in the adoption process, much less that I could be out for five months starting in two weeks. So I said no to this baby. [Note: To those who believe domestic adoption is fraught with endless waiting I say, um, how does three days suit ya? :-)]
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Enter theory number two: I’m hesitating because it’s not time. Timing is always a tough question. In this case, I am certain that Seth will not be my only child. Certain. But is now the time to move forward with a second? I guess I’m not sure. I want it to be. I want to hold that next baby as soon as possible! But then, the hesitation. And in trying to figure out where that comes from, I wonder if it’s a timing thing. “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” Prov. 3:5-6. HE will make MY paths straight. I know that He is the Lord of the timing of my decisions, my life and my paths; and that’s what I’m seeking right now. Direction for my path. Confirmation, or a flashing yellow light. And I’m believing God will answer my requests for direction.
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So, one minute I’m counting the seconds until I can be a mom again and in the next moment, I’m wondering if I’m nuts. One minute I’m looking forward with great anticipation and the next, panicking because something feels “off.” My number three theory, then, is no surprise.
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I’m confused, and it is not clear to me what that confusion means. I believe scripture that says God is not a God of confusion. 1 Corin. 14:33 (“For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints.”). Yes, I believe that. However, and this is a big one, I think that verse is a little over-used. Modern day thinking on the verse goes like this: I'm facing a situation that makes me confused. The situation must not be from God. I flee the situation and my confusion ends. Problem solved. Hmm. Maybe that's right but maybe not (assuming the confusion is not about something God's Word prohibits).

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This might be more right thinking: If you read the verse in context, it falls in a chapter discussing speaking in tongues and the interpretation of tongues. So, God says, He is not the author of confusion that could come from speaking in tongues without interpretation. That makes sense. Second, many Bible translations use the word “disorder” in place of confusion in the text. Disorder, in this context, means something very different than confusion as we use it. Hearing "disorder" makes me think of outwardly organization that has gone awry. Disorder from the speaking of tongues without interpretation. The word confusion could be used in that same sense, but I wouldn’t have thought of it without the alternate translation. “Disorder/confusion” changes the meaning of the text a lot, and I’m not sure we would colloquially use the verse the way we do if we considered the context and alternate translation of the original text.
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Most importantly, though, the verse says that God is not the author of confusion. Ok. That makes sense too. God doesn’t create the confusion; He may allow it, but He brings peace, not confusion. Here’s how I think that idea might play out in my situation: I believe God called me to adopt. I’ve done so once and will do so again. I hope my adoption(s) glorify God. I would like to adopt again, now, but I feel hesitant, confused. Does that mean I shouldn’t adopt? Maybe. But, equally, maybe not. See, my confusion could be for many different reasons, because God is not the author of it. I could be confused because the enemy is trying to wreak havoc on God’s perfect will for my life. I could be confused because my own feelings of overwhelmed-ness are clouding my vision. I could be confused because my fears about never being married are marring the picture God has for me. I could be confused because I’m coming off a stressful Fall and my thinking is muddied. I could be confused because work is stressful, or our nanny is nervous, or Seth is two and good at it, or I’m tired, or, or, or . . . . Need I go on? There is a lot of ME in confusion. So, I decline to conclude that because I’m confused it means that adopting a child now is wrong. What I think it does mean is that I need to spend more time in prayer so I can hear God and listen to my heart, hopes, fears, and that still-small-voice. Speak Holy Spirit!
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That’s a lot of rambling to get to this point: Will you pray with me that God would lead my decision-making and bring peace to this decision, particularly as to timing? Maybe my hesitation on timing gives me some time to work through my concerns about what people will think. Once that's resolved, the confusion will be gone and I’ll be off to the races. Three theories resolved and baby bumpkin on the way. Yippee! Thanks for standing in the gap with me!

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"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him." James 1:5

Mommy Time

Seth and I had a fight this morning. It's far from rare these days, I'm sorry to say. He got up at 5 (eek!) after staying up way too late, again. So by the time it was 8:30, I knew he was starving and we needed to get moving to make it to church! Nevertheless, each time I came near him with a spoon or a strawberry or anything resembling food, he would slam his mouth shut and wildly shake his head, "No." Grrrr.

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My friend Katie told me about a week ago that one of her children needed some mommy time, resulting in the rearranging of schedules. Hmm. I have noticed, recently, that Seth is also in mommy mode. It's hard when I leave. And when I'm home, I cannot be out of his sight. He watches my every move, even as he plays. If I open the back door, resulting in the familiar "beep beep beep" of the alarm, he goes crazy and the tantrum begins. I protest that I'm just letting Maggie out and puh-lease settle down! Sigh.

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So this morning, as he sat in his chair, steadfastly refusing to eat, I had a thought as the big crocodile tears started to flow. Hold him. Just hold him. So I did. Out of the booster and onto my lap he went where he proceeded to eat like a champ. Crisis averted. Phew!

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As I was hurriedly trying to get dressed and out the door to church, I wondered at how like Seth I am. Yes, I need my mama time, but that's not what I mean. When I'm off or when I'm sad or when I'm needy or when I'm facing trials (resulting in a 39-year old tantrum), what I need, whether I know it or not, is to climb into the lap of my heavenly Father. See, time -- quality time -- with God is really the only thing that can fix what ails me. I can talk to my friends or family or a therapist or drown myself in useless television or piles of books. But until I turn to the One who holds the keys to joy, I'm unlikely to "feel" better. So that's where I'm spending my time. Happily resting in my Father's arms, like a two year old too exhausted to know what he needs. And I'm at peace.

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"He will cover you with his wings; you will be safe in his care; his faithfulness will protect and defend you." Psalm 91:4

God's Heart

I have been working on this posting for a couple of days now. It's not an easy one for me. See, a couple of days ago, on this blog, I said that I hoped my heart would continue to break for the things that break God’s heart. Be careful what you ask for. . . . .

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Just one word: Haiti. Aurgh. I haven’t been able to stop crying about it since I first heard the news. Haiti: the poorest country in the Western hemisphere. Haiti: with so many orphans already. Haiti: already victim to hurricanes and corruption and famine. How could this happen to Haiti?!?!?

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In the late fall and early winter, I was wrestling with the specifics of our next adoption. Would this child be born in the U.S., like Seth? Or from another country? As I thought and prayed through this decision, I was reminded that Seth's adoption agency primarily handles domestic and international adoptions from Haiti. So, because for me it's all about "what I know", I started researching Haiti. I read a lot about it. I had no idea things were so bad there -- or, I had turned a blind eye to it. About a year ago, I handled an asylum case for two Haitian siblings, so I knew there was political unrest, violence and deep corruption there. But did I know that food is so scarce they make patties out of feces to have something to eat? Did I know the orphanages are bursting with children with nowhere to go? Did I know that people were randomly shot in the street for expressing unpopular opinions? This from a country just a few hundred miles off our coast....

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God really grew my heart for Haiti over the last few months. Nevertheless, for reasons that I won't bore you with, I decided baby number two is from the U.S. like Seth. And I felt good about it. Enter earthquake. Sigh. I don't know if it changes anything or not, but the point is, I don't know.

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What I do know is that I have to do something. Anything. I cannot sit by and watch that devastation and not be moved. Impossible. What does that mean for me? I'm not sure yet. I know that Adoption-Link is collecting money and goods to send to the two orphanages where they work – soon to be bursting with kids. http://www.adoption-link.org/ I can participate in that. But it’s not enough. I was supposed to go to Africa (Zambia) with World Vision in May -- Something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. I cancelled my trip. I’d rather go to Haiti in the upcoming months. No, they don’t need lawyers. But what they do need (or will in a couple of months) are people who can swing a hammer or hold babies, and I’m qualified for both of those. :) Maybe that means our plans about the next adoption change. Maybe not. But our plans are not always God’s plans anyway, and I’m open to what He has for us. Whatever and wherever.

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God, be with the people of Haiti. Hear their cries and answer their needs. Make Yourself known to them in a personal way. Lord, have mercy on them. And, Father, teach us to reach out to them as Jesus would have. Amen and amen.

Are you ready for some football??

Single Mom Loves Football.

It's Bowl Season!

Two year old occupied?

Check:

"First-born" occupied?

Check:

Hey, ya gotta do what ya gotta do . . . .

Are you ready for some football?!?!?!?

Promptings

I don't often hear directly from God. Well, I guess it depends on what you mean by "often". For me, it doesn't feel often. Anyway, last night I was praying, about a bunch of different things, and I got this prompting, as clear as if it was written in neon on my wall: go into Seth's room and pray over him RIGHT NOW. Okay, Lord. I'm moving. Yea . . . not so much. The truth is that I kept my butt planted for another minute or so, thinking I could pray in my room just as well. Then the neon started flashing, "GO," so I sprung up and ran into Seth's room, not even then knowing the topic of these would-be prayers. Much to this mama's chagrin, Seth was still awake at 10 p.m. and humored by my sudden arrival. Sigh. Nevertheless, I stayed on task and started to pray and, strangely, started to weep. As I held my son's head in my hands and blanketed his face in tears, I cried out for healing of his brain and even more, perfect eye sight. It was a surreal moment for me. I pray for Seth's healing but not all the time. I pray for his vision. But not everyday. But there, on God's prompting, I was crying out for Seth's healing -- touching Seth.

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Phew! That was strange. I wasn't sad last night. I wasn't even emotional. But in that room, lined up against the giggles of a two year old who should have long been asleep, I cried out, literally and figuratively, for healing and at the same time, praised God for blessing me with the chance to raise this precious boy. God prompted me to pray. That part was abundantly clear to me. Why? Why last night? Why in his room as opposed to mine? Why touching him? Why weeping? I have no idea. But now I'm waiting with baited breath, excited to see what God has in store for us. Will the three of you reading this blog :) join me in those prayers?

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Lead on, spirit. Lead on.

Captive Thoughts

I realized something over the holidays: I am not an animal. I know that sounds funny, but stay with me. I am fully human, created by God with a complex brain that I will never understand. As a woman, I have the ability to take captive my thoughts (“We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ . . . .” 2 Corin. 10:5) and have the un-animal ability to control the wanderings of my over-active brain. I am not an animal. This may sound silly, or like something that you figured out a long time ago, but not me. For me, this realization was life changing. . . .

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In the late fall, after a few tough months, I was nearly out of good books to read. I inquired of a number of my friends about books they recently read, threw in a few others I heard about, and passed those lists along to my fam. Happily, I now have a nice new stack of books to read, and plenty of them will probably end up discussed here! One of the books I picked up is “One Month to Live -- Thirty Days to a Regrets-free Life.” I heard about this one on Moody radio and it fits right into my holiday realization.

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The idea of the book, which I’m a total of five days into (stay tuned), is that some of us might live a little differently if we recognized that we had limited time left – 30 days. This was a subtle part of my realization over the holidays, pre-book. See, there are things in this life that are hard. Really hard. People are hungry and hurting; soldiers are dying; children are parentless; relationships are broken; sickness is everywhere; war abounds; evil grows. There are things in my life that are hard: Seth’s medical challenges and what those mean for him in school and life. His surgeries. My own silly medical stuff. And failed dating relationships.

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If you know me, you know that I’m no stranger to expressing my feelings. I’ve never been good at faking anything. If you want to know how I “really” feel, look at my face (or my sleeve). The answer is right there. BUT (and this is what I’m learning) I do have some control over how long those emotions spin out of control. In the fall, I was grieving a rejection that cut me deeply in addition to having an overly packed medical agenda for Seth and me. I was so sad and I allowed that sadness to steal four months of my life. That is not okay! As I type, nothing has changed in my circumstances – I’m still single without prospects, and Seth and I still have medical challenges ahead. And yet, something has changed. I have uncovered (again) my joy.

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You see, what I learned in December is that I can sit around and think about how I was rejected and why that happened and how it resulted in a tough fall. Or about how my newish car got wrecked and my electricity was popping and (seemingly) prepared to blow up my house on Christmas and how many doctors I have yet to see. Or how hard it is that I’m still single and how it would be better for Seth to have a Daddy and me a partner in crime (ha). OR I can live this life doing the things that I know honor and glorify God and make me happy – all of which result in JOY. For me, that’s adopting God’s children. “Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the cause of orphans.” Isaiah 1:17. There is not one place in my life where I am happier, more fulfilled, and more in the center of God’s will than when I am with my son or when I dream about my future children. Period. Nowhere else.

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If I had thirty days left to live, I would be doing what I’m doing right now. I would love on Seth. I would adopt another child. I would dwell on those things I can’t change a lot less. I would move forward and stop looking back (see Lot’s wife, the pillar of salt). I would live in JOY.

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That’s not an easy undertaking! For about three weeks, I’ve been doing great. I smile more. I laugh easily. I look in the mirror and see someone different. I have hope. And maybe that’s the bottom line. Hope. Hope is forward looking. Hope is expectant. Hope is hopeful. :-) While there is a lot of pain and suffering in this life, I’m choosing to live like there is no tomorrow, because, frankly, there may not be! I’ve taken captive my negative thoughts and I choose not to dwell on the past or on the pain of this world. Sure, life is hard, and I pray my heart continues to break for the things that break God's heart. And yes, there will be more hard times in our family. I will still grieve and cry out and refuse to fake it. That’s just me; and I believe it’s also the way God taught us to experience this life – Fully in the moment, but not stuck in the moment, looking forward with hope to His plan for us. His plan for me. I still have 25 days of the book left to read (there is one chapter per day) and, Lord willing, 60 years of putting into practice my holiday realization. :-)

God help me to keep my eyes on YOU and no one else. Keep me focused. Keep me single-minded. And when I get wrapped up into unhealthy thinking about things that aren’t eternal, help me ask myself, what if you had just thirty days left???

What-ifs

There are days when I struggle with "bad" what-if's. The what-if's always seem to strike without warning and when I least suspect it. It's really just another way of worrying or, frankly, failing to trust God with something. In adoptions, I think the what-if's are pretty common. They range, for me, from the serious to the mundane to the ridiculous.

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Some serious what-if's? What if he is autistic? What if she has to go through cocaine withdrawal? What if he has FAS? What if she is born with a major physical abnormality? What if we don't bond?

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The mundane? What if he isn't athletic (yawn)? What if she is overly shy? What if he is allergic to animals? What if she has colic?

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And, yes, the ridiculous. What if she's not cute? What if he's not as tall as I am? What if she's not a straight A student?

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Oh brother. I went through all of these what-if's the last go 'round with Seth. It was when I said to my mentor Z, "What if s/he's ugly?" that she encouraged me I was ready for the adoption. Apparently, she said, all of the "big" questions had been answered and I was fixated on the ridiculous. She was right. (Thankfully I didn't get stuck on those superficial issues for long....).

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But there's another, more important point here. Not one of us knows what tomorrow holds. "No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. Be on guard! Be alert! You do not know when that time will come." (Mark 13:32-33) Not one of us has been promised a beautiful, healthy, successful, "perfect" child -- adopted or biological. No, God doesn't let us in on His plans for our lives with that type of specificity. What He does do, however, is make us promises about where He will meet us and what He will do and oh, how He loves His children!!

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"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deut. 31:8

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"Come near to God and he will come near to you." James 4:8

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"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." James 1:5

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"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matt. 11:28

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"Then Jesus told him, 'Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.'" John 20:29

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"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us-- whatever we ask-- we know that we have what we asked of him." 1 John 5:14-15

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"But Jesus said, "Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."" Matt. 19:14

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Now that's a list of promises!! So when the bad what-if's creep in for me, I'm forced to remember these promises and remember that God is with us, whatever we face. Period. Even when it's not how we initially prayed. If God had told me the details of Seth's challenges before he was born, I might have panicked and I certainly would have re-thought my decision to accept the "match". Thank GOD that's not how it worked! I'm learning more than I can imagine from Seth's issues and I adore him. (Do I say that in every posting?). God is teaching me. I'm learning patience (after 39 long yrs of God being patient with my impatience....). I'm thinking more creatively about my parenting. And it would be impossible for me to love Seth more. (There it is again)

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This time around, I dare to dream just a little about that "perfect" child I wanted three years ago. I don't linger long there because, chances are, we'll have challenges this time around too. It's just the nature of these things. So I'm working on changing my bad what-if's (insert list of horribles) to a list of good what-if's that God might have for me. What if God wants to use this next child to grow me in completely new ways? What if God wants to give me a heart for the disabled? What if God wants to teach me, again, that He's in control? What if God wants to further humble me?

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I'm just saying.....

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What if?????

Verse of the Journey

During Seth's adoption journey, I had a verse that captured my journey perfectly. Romans 12:12. "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation and constant in prayer."

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See, I was rejoicing in God's call on me and so hopeful for what God had for my future. Is there anything better than joyful hope? Hope is such a huge part of living a full and joyful life for me. That hope, that promise, was incredible during my waiting time for Seth.

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"Be patient in tribulation". Hmm. Patience. My toughest challenge. Patience does not come easily to me and God has really had to work miracles on me to get me to a place of patience. Fruit of the spirit for sure!! But "patient in tribulation" takes it to a whole new level. Patient, even when things are hard. Patient, even when God says no. Patient, even when God allows a road block (like Seth's potential birth father's fleeting interest in him). Patient in tribulation. That was a challenge!

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"Constant in prayer". This was the easy one for me. I was constantly praying for Seth and praying that God would watch over his birth mom and keep him safe. I prayed for things like Seth's ten fingers and toes and his health and his life. I prayed that God would prepare me and my family for his arrival when the time was right. I prayed through my fears and my questions and my doubts and my anticipation.

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Seth's birth was the culmination of hopeful rejoicing, patience through challenges, and deep prayer. He's the best thing I ever did. :) With a second baby on the way, I spent a few hours a couple of nights ago trying to identify a verse that I could use as this baby's "verse." But nothing jumped out. Nothing spoke to my heart quite like Romans 12:12. So, I checked with Seth (ha), and he has agreed to loan "his" verse to his baby brother or sister for our journey together, at least for now. And I happily agreed!

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"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation and constant in prayer".

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Lord prepare us!

Doubts

I think doubts are a part of life. At least for me they are. They come and they go but they are never totally gone. I don’t mean the normal questions that we all have that cannot be answered this side of glory (like "why do so many orphan children have to live without parents??"), but rather doubts. Doubts like, does God love me? Am I a good mother? Does God care about the little stuff? Should I be adopting again? These are all things that I have “answers” to (right ones, I believe), but the doubting sometimes gets in the way of living in full glory of knowing these things deep in my soul. Does God love me? Yes. His Word says so. I sang about it as a child and now sing to Seth the same…. But then God seems distant or absent and I wonder whether it’s all real. Am I a good mother? I think so. I hope so. But then I raise my voice or lose my patience and I wonder if I really am a good mommy and whether I’m enough for this precious boy I’m raising. Does God care about the little stuff? He certainly seems to when I pray for provision and He answers in the most direct and personal ways. Or when our missionaries see answers to the prayers of orphans and the poor. But then God doesn’t take away my pain or my loss and I wonder whether he does care about the minutia or rather only the big stuff like whether I’m saved and how my walk with Him is progressing. Should I be adopting again? I believe it's God’s call on my life; that’s why I’m doing it. But then the fears and doubts about being single forever scream loudly in my ears and I can’t hear God over the deafening roar of doubt.

I wish I had a solution to doubt. It often results in calls to my own Village of Encouragement to talk to me about what’s on my mind and how “normal” it all is and how God is moving me and changing me. But none of my peeps have any answers either. Rene has been searching for her magic answer box for years, and it’s still missing. :-)

The sometimes harsh reality is that a lot of life doesn’t make sense. As one of my mentors put it, this life is messy . . . for everyone. That’s why we all long for heaven. Or at least that’s why I do. No, I’m not wishing this life away. I’m having a ball and absolutely love raising Seth and pray that God would entrust more of His precious children to me, if it’s His will. But honestly, this world doesn’t make sense more than it does, and my over analytical brain longs for answers!

Happy New Year!

About three weeks ago, my best train, Gordon, went missing. Mama and Lola looked everywhere for him. In the house, in stores, outside, in cars . . . Gordon was just gone and I was sad. Everyday I would open my train box and in my best, high-pitched searching voice say, "Gordon" . . . "Gordon" . . .

Today, he came back in the mail! Needless to say, I was THRILLED.

Here is Gordon eating with me and saying, "CHEESE."

This morning, I noticed something very interesting.

If I look at one of these spoons, I can see ME!

[Yes, he realized this today..... hilarious moment]

Hey, that's ME!

Oh, and I saw two movies this week.

First, Princess and the Frog. Mesmerized.

Second, Alvin and the Chippies.

I love my popcorn!