My girl

Spoke to Leah's Supa Doc a few weeks ago.

We have a plan to try to get her viral load to undetectable.

Leah's viral load is low.

Very low.

Like "hasn't been over 310 since she got home" low.

That's great news and something to celebrate!

BUT

Even with regular medicine, she is not going below 50 (undetectable).

And with her low viral number, we cannot perform resistance testing.

This month, we are going to stop all of her meds for three/five weeks.
We stopped the first one yesterday and will stop the other two in two weeks.

Sounds a little scary to me, but I also have confidence in the plan.

We expect that Leah's viral load will go up without meds to a level where we can perform resistance testing.

Once we know what meds will work best for her, we should be able to get her undetectable.

Easy, right?

I have just a little fear about stopping the meds when I know how important they are.

And how healthy they keep her.

Will you pray for my girl?

Here's how I'm praying:

That God would heal her and she would have no HIV.

(Yep.  That's always my first prayer.)

That if she is not healed, that the viral load would go up just enough to perform resistance testing but not TOO much.  Just enough.

And then, that Leah is undetectable by the end of the year.

Thanks for interceding with me.

Mama Bear is in the Hooouuuussseee!

Seth is officially three and a half this Saturday.  Yowza where does the time go???  I didn't put him in preschool this year, in order to give him a break from the myriad of therapies he got for almost two years before turning three.  I don't regret that decision.

Now I'm in the process of trying to find the right preschool for Seth.  I got him into one in Oak Park.  One that's highly rated and not *crazy* expensive.  But then after we visited, I got "the call."  Yes, the dreaded one where they tell me that they need access to Seth's medical and therapeutic records to decide if the school is appropriate.  Around the time I heard "IEP" my mind went blank and the very kind woman started to sound like "wah wah wah wah wah" from Charlie Brown. 

I politely told her to send me the forms, which I would send right back, and then hung up and started looking for different schools.  Mama bear.....

She's not wrong.  I know she isn't.  But there's just this part of me (a BIG part) that wants to see if in the two and a half years before kindergarten we can get Seth straightened out.  I don't want my boy labeled.  I don't want him to have an IEP that stays with him until college unless it is absolutely necessary!  With all of the growth we've seen in just the last two months, I'm holding out hope that he won't need extra services.  Optimistic?  Maybe, but I'm not giving up!  Mama bear.....

Here is some of what we've seen lately:

Seth and I were sitting on "the red couch" (as he calls it) when he looked up at a painting that has been there his entire life.  He said, "Mommy, what's that?"  I said, "A picture Mommy got in Spain."  I could tell he was mulling over the whole "Spain" thing, but then continued:  "Oh, what's happening in that picture, Mama?" 

Let's press pause right there for a minute.  That picture has been there FOREVER.  He has never mentioned it, noticed it, or even glanced at it.  Not once.  Now he's asking me what is in the picture!  Well, I decided to turn the tables..... "What do you see, Seth?"  He said, "Well, I see a tunnel.  For a train.  [of course]  And there are people.  What are the people doing?"  I was so tickled by this little conversation over this painting:

Then there was the Bible time.  We (try) to have Bible time every night.  It's supposed to be at least 5 minutes of reading your Bible -- on your own -- but Seth most often insists upon ME reading.  (And also insists on it lasting about 30-45 minutes!!!)  After reviewing all of his usual favorites (Creation, Noah, Daniel and the lions), I decided to shift him to a brand new story:  Joseph.  As I read through and added extra narration, we looked at the brothers who threw Joseph in the pit.  Seth studied the page, but I didn't think much of it.

We read on.  We got to the brother's bowing down to Joseph, and Seth pointed to one brother and said, "That boy was bad.  He needs a time out!"  I giggled and didn't think much of it, but we talked more about the picture. Seth was adamant.  He kept talking about the boy who needed a time out.  Then he said, "The red one."  I noticed he was pointing at the boy with the red head band, but didn't give it any real thought.  Until Seth persisted.  Then it hit me.  I flipped back to the above picture, and sure enough, RED head band.  The boy who sent Joseph falling was the one wearing the RED headband.  Four pages later, he bowed down, HERE:

Maybe that's not a big deal, but to me, it's HUGE.  Seth is learning and comprehending and seeing more everyday.  And I want to find the right school for him and I don't want him unnecessarily labeled. 

So, off I go to find a preschool where (1) they will take Seth, (2) Seth will be able to handle the schedule, and (3) they won't slap a label where one isn't needed.  Praise God for Seth's progress and let's keep it up!  And, don't mess with Mama Bear!  ;)

Stranger than Fiction

That's how I feel about my life most days.

Stranger than fiction.

A few days into Seth's high (HIGH) fevers and inability to walk last week, our primary care doc sent us to the ER on Wednesday afternoon.  Silly me, I thought:  blood test, xrays, home.  I didn't bother stopping at home.  Didn't smooch Leah.  Didn't get clothes or a tooth brush.  Nope.

So, naturally, we were admitted about midnight and weren't released until last night (Sunday).

What. An. Ordeal.

In the ER, we saw about 200 doctors and 800 nurses.  Seth was poked and prodded and BOTHERED.  He was in a lot of pain so this was terrible to watch.  Hated it.

By 11, we still didn't know what was going on.  Blood tests:  extremely high inflammation levels.  Xrays of hip:  clear.  Xrays of knees:  clear.  Ultra sound of hips and knees:  minimal fluid.  (I'll spare you the story of how the "brave" resident decided that despite a lack of fluid on the knee, he would still try to aspirate Seth's knee.  Oh, with minimal drugs.  Seth went BERSERK.  But I'll spare you that....)

Nothing added up, so we were admitted.

By 8 the next morning, after no sleep, (I'll also spare you the 3:30 a.m. IV story.  GRRRR) the ortho attending FINALLY came to see us and said aspirating was a waste because there is no fluid.  Um, I'm no doctor but that seems LOGICAL!  (Insert bad names for "brave" resident here).

Off to an MRI.  At last, we saw something.  An infection of Seth's bone, femur, just above the knee.  Rare for kids Seth's age?  You bet.  But hey.  Stranger than fiction, right???

We started IV antibiotics immediately and to truncate the rest of the story, we are home after seeing a zillion doctors, a quadruple zillion nurses, dozens of tests, two sedations and the installation of a picc line.  PHEW!

Here's some of the fun we had at the hospital, once we started feeling better:

 Yea, his girlfriends visited.  :)

 Yea, we ate junk food!

 And I learned how to use the Picc.  A few times.....

There was LOTS of snuggling....

And NO sleep. 

 Mr. Keith visited.  Yay!

 Not sure why it's fun to have the table SO high....

All in all, we survived it well.

I'm so thankful for all of the prayers and the way in which God has shown up, as He always does.  Seth's prognosis is great.  He will have numerous follow up xrays to make sure the growth plate was not impacted but he should be fully recovered after three more weeks of IV meds.

I'm home now giving Seth his 2:00 dose and will be back to work shortly.  Thanks to everyone who is helping us identify nurses to help me be able to stay at work for a day.... what a novel idea!

I'm also sad.  Sunday, my kids were supposed to be dedicated during a special adoption dedication service.  Katie and I had dreamed about it for months.  And I was excited.  Then this.  Not only did my kids not get to participate, but perhaps more importantly, I didn't get to celebrate with the other Calvary families I love who have adopted treasures at home and abroad.  It's hard to swallow, but that's life, right?

Stranger than fiction.

Leah Grace

Leah Grace has been home about six weeks now and overall, is doing really well.  We have had a lot of doctor appointments and she is checking out great.  Here is a quick update:

HIV:  Leah has been on anti-retrovirals for over a year, supposedly.  Uganda had only pills for Leah, so the orphanage had to smash and hide them in food.  Yea.... Not so sure how often she got them or in what dosage.  But now, she gets them religiously.  Prior to starting the liquids here, we tested Leah Grace to see where she stood.  Her viral load was about 300.  A reading of less than 50 is considered "undetectable."  Now, 300 sounded high to me until I learned that some other HIV positive kids have a viral load of 160,000.  Yep, Leah is almost undetectable WITHOUT being on the right meds religiously.  Praise God.  Her CD4 level is also high (which is good) and we feel very encouraged about the status of her disease.  I'm praying that by the time we next test her viral load, she is under 50.  :)

HIPS/LEGS:  Leah didn't walk until 18 months old (or later) and still is not a great walker, although she is showing great improvement since she's home.  We had a hip x-ray to make sure that both hips are in socket.  And, yes, again.  Her hips look great.  We saw the orthopedic surgeon this week who said that one leg might be slightly longer than the other, throwing her off a bit, but it's not major.  Her muscles and legs look good.  No surgery.  No orthotics.  Amen.

PARASITES:  Leah tested positive for giardia.  She took meds for two weeks and should be all clear now.  She also has ring worm, which is not an urgent matter to be addressed.  We'll get to it.... We are testing her, ehm, "stool" for any other parasites that were hiding behind the giardia. 

TB:  Leah also tested positive for TB.  She had a chest x-ray last week, which was negative.  Phew!  So she has latent TB and will take meds for about 9 months to ensure no infection.  She sure is used to some medicine!!

HEART:  Leah's great docs suggested that we take a look at her heart to make sure that it is not enlarged either from HIV or from malnutrition.  Last week, we had an EKG and an Echo.  Heart?  Perfect.  Check.  Amen, again.

IMMUNIZATIONS:  We don't think Leah has had any shots in her life, based on the anti-bodies (or lack thereof) in her blood.  So last week we started those.  Five down, a zillion to go.  She's a trooper.  :)

DEVELOPMENT:  Leah had an Early Intervention (EI) evaluation a few weeks back.  She is going to receive speech and physical therapies in the new year.  Leah says more new words every day, so I'm wondering if she will even qualify until her third birthday, or will test out in the next few months.  But until then, she'll get a little extra help from one of Seth's therapy buddies!  And physical therapy should help her with the walking and stairs.  We are setting an appointment to go to the Erikson Institute for a medical diagnostic evaluation -- also development related but by doctors (MDs) as opposed to therapists.  I'm excited to hear what they think.

Physically, Leah has gained a couple of pounds in the last few months and grown a couple inches.  She's getting big.  :)  Next up?  Ears, Nose and Throat doc......

On a personal note, Seth and Leah are doing great and are genuinely fond of each other.  I take great pleasure in watching them play and tease each other.  It is soooo sweet.  Leah still hits quite a bit and I'm working more seriously on that issue right now.  She knows she is not supposed to and has started to control her urges in the last week.  But it's her way of controlling her environment, so we have a ways to go on that one.  Erikson should help us there.  Leah is quite attached to me and seems to realize more all of the time that I am "the" Mommy as opposed to "a" Mama.  Great progress.  And as for me, I love her more everyday.  I am still in awe that God took me on this journey to Leah Grace but oh, so thankful He did.  Thank you for your continued prayers.  We covet them.

HIV Facts

As I've continued to research, I have come across the following facts or quotes which are my new favorites:

• Children living with HIV in parts of the world with easy access to good health care, and HIV medications (AKA Antiretroviral medications, ARVs, and HAART or Highly Active Antiretoviral Therapy) have an excellent prognosis. Since HAART began in 1996 we have seen a rapid decline in the number of people with AIDS in many parts of the world. It has increased the number of people living with HIV. This is because without HAART HIV will progress to AIDS. . . . . Many many people who started this therapy 11 years ago are alive today and doing well with their HIV so well controlled it is not even detectable in their blood. This means their immune system functions almost like people without HIV. It means they can go to school, college, get married and have babies- and they are doing all of these things and more. Many of you, if asked, would say you do not know anyone with HIV, but the reality is that many of you do and you just don't know it. . . . . They are all in schools with kids like your kids and you would never know what they are walking around with. But, you don't really need to know, unless it's someone you are close to and you can offer help with childcare when they travel to see the HIV clinic every three months.
• Do HIV+ children pose a risk to other children in their homes, schools, churches, etc.?
  None. (read that period aloud) There is no known documented case of a child passing HIV to another child in school or church.
• "Don't spend time worrying about weird and obscure ways of transmitting the virus. The simple fact is that if no one shared needles and everyone wore condoms, the HIV epidemic would disappear." - Joel Gallant, M.D., M.P.H., Professor of Medicine & Epidemiology in the Division of Infectious Diseases and Associate Director of the Johns Hopkins AIDS Service at The Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine
• 93 deaths every DAY in car accidents1 - 4 every HOUR
  10 deaths every DAY from swimming accidents
  8 deaths every DAY from fire accidents
  4.9 deaths every DAY from falling on stairs
  2.5 deaths every DAY from choking
  1.5 deaths from lightening strike every WEEK
  4.4 deaths on amusement park rides per year
  Over the past 28 years that HIV/AIDS has been carefully tracked by the Centers for Disease Control, there have been only 8 reported, though unconfirmed, cases of household transmission of the virus. 8 in 28 years
  (It is important to note that among those 8 cases were hemophiliac brothers sharing razors, some elderly women not using simple universal precautions for years, and some individuals living in bizarrely unsanitary conditions, further proving that under ‘normal’ household conditions, the virus is almost impossible to pass. - Also there have been no further cases since 1994, likely due to vast changes in the ratio of people w/ AIDS vs. HIV and the life altering improvements in medicine.)
• Children with HIV are perfectly safe to be around, hug, kiss, and share food and bathrooms with. For this reason, generally people with HIV are not required by law to tell ANYONE about their condition, including schools and even dentists.
• You are 287 times more likely to be struck DEAD by lightning than accidentally contract HIV from living with a positive person.
• Pray for Betty. Healing, Lord!!

Betty and the Doctor

Last week, Betty's doctors wrote me somewhat of a nasty email informing me that they would "absolutely not" provide me with her medical records to "decide" whether to adopt her. I can be sensitive and the truth is, it hurt my feelings a bit. But that's okay. I graciously responded that I intended no harm to Betty -- in fact, I care about her quite a lot. My intention in seeing the records was to understand the full scope of her issues. Not to be unfair to her.

`

In any event, my Ugandan attorney had suggested from the beginning that I hire a doctor to evaluate Betty, so that's what I did. On Monday, Betty met with "my" pediatrician. The doctor reported that Betty is in good health and is developing normally. Praise God! She has dermatitis (which she had when I was there) and because of this visit, she is getting medicine! Yippee!! She also has an upper respiratory infection, which made me think: hey, that's going around over there too?

`

All of that to say, things look good with Betty. Next up, chat with infectious disease doctor and meeting with my sister. :) Almost there! (Decision time, that is....)

`

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you."

1 Peter 5: 6-7

My Little Man

Here’s a quick update on Seth and his “stuff.” But first, here is a quick overview of his health background. Seth has hypo-plastic optic nerves. Basically, that means his optic nerves are dull and grey, kind of dead like. They are not bright pink like yours or mine. That means, he does not see well. Poorly, in fact. He is severely near-sighted. It is not an eye thing, it is a brain thing. He also has nystagmus, which means his eyes are in a constant state of moving, although that has improved, a astigmatism in his left eye, and pretty bad crossing, pre-surgery last fall. Because of the hypo-nerves, there are often other brain issues that join in. Like septo-optic dysplasia. With SOD, you can see pituitary issues and other developmental delays. So……

Seth had an MRI last summer. Looks mostly good. We saw a Neurologist a few times until he said we are done unless or until Seth has a seizure (another thing with SOD). Seth gets four therapies a week for his developmental delays. And, we see an Endocrinologist to monitor his hormone levels – which are regulated by the pituitary gland. At our last endocrine appointment, one of Seth’s levels was a little high, and he’s huge, by the way, so the doctor was a bit concerned that his Human Growth Hormone might be going crazy. Oy. I never push back on Seth’s doctors. But when the nurse called this time about another blood test, I was not happy. I pushed back big time. She explained it to me and eventually I told her it would have to wait until after I went to Uganda.

The first week I was back, I thought of it, but I wasn’t interested in forcing Seth to a doctor too soon after I got home. Week two, well, I just didn’t want to. So, on week three, I asked Eveline to stop by Children’s Memorial to give some blood and get it done. Thursday, the doctor’s office called and said all of his blood is NORMAL, NORMAL, NORMAL!!! I knew it. Thank you, Jesus! It’s a blast to watch God heal Seth, one blood test, word spoken, and friend at a time. AMEN.

The Journey to Betty

I have never been a journal writer. I’ve oft started and failed to write on a daily basis. After a hard season last summer, I started to write on my blogs – first Seth’s blog (on rare occasions) and then in December, here. Since returning from Uganda, it has been fun for me to look back and notice how God is really working on me, in some significant areas! I can see His footprints throughout my thoughts and feelings and challenges. (Maybe there's something to this journaling thing....) I have seen, as I look back, how God is refining me through my trials, something I haven’t ever really had the chance to experience so outright in my life, before now.

`
Last August, when I was grieving a broken relationship, I was forced to remember God’s faithfulness, through Seth. I wrote, of my fears about Seth, the following:

`
“At some point, I collapsed and could finally hear God. . . . As if He spoke directly into my soul, God reminded me that whatever issues Seth may have (insert list of "horribles") God will be with us. If we have to have tests and surgeries, God will be there. If we have times of struggle, God will be there too. When I feel like I can't do it as a single mom, God will step in. "I will never leave you nor forsake you," He said.”

`
And shortly after that realization, I was reminded that God has a Plan, for all us – even our children, and that His plan will be okay. I know that sounds funny, but truly, it will be okay! I wrote this:

`
“During the home study process, I was very open to whatever child God would have for me. Or so I thought. I'd take any race. Any age. Boy or girl. Any exposure to drugs and maybe even alcohol. But I was very specific that I could not handle and did not want a special needs child. I am single after all, I rationalized to my social worker, and if God has called me to adopt, surely He doesn't want it to be THAT hard for me. Hmmm. Interesting statements I made. See, God gave me a special needs baby despite my view of my own limitations. God gave me Seth with all of his glorious and, at times, painful issues. And I adore him. And I wouldn't change one thing about him. Not one. That's the definition of unconditional love. Sure, Seth's life is going to be a little more challenging than some other kids. . . . . But God is with him. God is with us. He's using Seth's "stuff" for our good and I pray every day that Seth would put his lessons through these trials to Kingdom use one day. God putting Seth in my life (a special needs child and the one thing I thought I couldn't handle) taught me that God knows and understands what we need better than we can ever know. God knows our deepest needs, our deepest desires, and the sum total of what we can handle. God knows.”

`
Then, in December, I decided to launch my second adoption journey. Despite having learned these lessons about God and how He is using Seth for our good and His kingdom, I found myself praying for a “normal” child, without special needs of any kind. Perhaps unsurprisingly, as I look back, God put the adoption on hold.

`

On January 11, God called me to pray for Seth, in his room. You may remember this post for while I prayed, God reminded me that "Seth is enough."

(http://conceivedinprayer.blogspot.com/2010/01/promptings.html )

At the time, I believed God was telling me Seth is enough, as my only child, and I was sad. It later became clear to me, however, that God had a different plan.

`
As I continued to petition God about my life and my second child and this adoption, God and I had many good conversations. Here’s what I learned in those conversations:

`
“As I talked to God about my hopes for more children and His promises to give me the desires of my heart and his command to care for orphans, interestingly, what I did not hear was the "no" I've been hearing. Instead God and I ended up talking about Seth's special needs and the potential special needs of a second child. More specifically, God pointed out to me in a clear way that I'm really afraid of having another child who has needs equal to or even greater than Seth.”

`
I also said (and this is the amazing part):

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“See, when Noreen called about that first baby, it was pretty easy for me to look at that baby (figuratively) and say NO. But that baby, like all other orphans, needs a home too. Who is going to be the mother to the drug addicted? Who will parent the disabled? Who will love the baby with AIDS? Maybe, just maybe, God needs to work on my heart a little more before He allows me to proceed into this second adoption.”

`
And, last but not least, God explained his “Seth is enough” comment. Seth, with all of his issues, is enough -- A beautiful child of my heart who I adore and would never want to change. My next child, no matter what his or her issues are, will be enough! My realization led to this:

`
“God and I are in this parenting thing together and whatever issues come up, we can handle them. If God gives me another special needs child, OKAY. If God gives me a VERY special needs child? OKAY! See maybe God isn't saying no to this adoption after all, but is working on me and my heart to understand that Seth is enough, with his issues, and the next baby will also be enough no matter what comes.”

`
That was January 27. But that wasn’t the end. I couldn’t pull my adoption “off the shelf” throughout the spring. I just didn’t feel like God had given me the go ahead. The answer was still, “wait.” And a lot of that had to do with my health. Do I think God allowed me to feel crummy so I wouldn’t go forward with an adoption before I met Betty? I don’t know, but maybe. In my flesh, I wanted to proceed in February and probably would have my second wee one by now. But that’s not how it happened. Instead, I was on hold until my trip to Uganda, and now I see all kinds of green lights from God – every shade of the rainbow! I just need to catch up and make sure my heart is right! I don’t want to enter into this flippantly or without caution or on a whim. I intend to worship God with my heart, soul, and mind. And then, I will run. :-)

`

One more thing. You may remember that I was on a search for the verse of the journey when this blog began. I couldn't find one I loved, so we used Seth's: "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, and constant in prayer." Still love that verse. (Rom. 12:12) Well, this morning, through an amazing Word at our church, I have the new verse -- a good word whether Seth and I go forward alone or if Betty (or some other second child) joins us: "Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5: 6-7.

Where we are

It is hard to believe I've been back for ten days already. I still feel a little bit like a stranger in a foreign land, but that feeling is subsiding. (Not thrilled about that...)

Seth and I have been praying for Betty. It is very cute to hear Seth say, "Betty." He has no idea he's talking about a munchkin half-way around the world and just one short year younger than he is! (Probably a good thing for now -- ha).

Here's the Betty update: I am in touch with her orphanage. They are being completely cooperative and are compiling her medical records for my review. I hope to have those next week and sit with an infectious disease doctor soon. I am also in touch with my Ugandan attorney who gave me a list of things I need to complete the adoption. If you saw my post entitled, "Ugandan Adoptions" you may wonder how this would work. Since Betty is positive, we would petition the Ugandan court for adoption rather than guardianship and, based on past experience, given Betty's health stuff, they will grant the adoption request. With an adoption order in hand, there is no issue getting a visa from the US embassy as Betty would be ours.

I looked back at my previous posts where I said Betty could be home in a few weeks. Hmm. True from Uganda's perspective, but not the US! I spoke to the agency who did my home study and we have to tweak it for an International adoption and then get DCFS to issue an International license (I'm apparently approved for domestic children but not International. Go figure). Then the USCIS approval. That was a little frustrating to hear but I know God wants to give me some time to have my heart and my family's hearts ready for this new challenge. So bring on the wait! Looks more like Fall now. In the meantime, I have my last meeting for the home study on Monday (no wait there!). And we can proceed in Uganda so that as soon as the US is ready, I will have the adoption order in Uganda! God is opening some doors, and fast.

On that note, as I've considered bringing home Betty, it has caused me to think about my health too and whether/how this makes sense. I'm doing immensely better and am sooo grateful for your many, many prayers. Some weirdness lingers so, on Wednesday, I called my neurologist to see if we could run one more test to put my brain at ease. Low and behold he had an opening SAME DAY. I went that afternoon, spent an hour, and BAM. I'm totally normal. Yippee! So another thing checked off my list. Praise the Lord!

There are many strange and marvelous things happening in this second adoption journey and, as soon as I think I know how it will "end" (begin) God continues to make clear that He's in control, not me. So I'm trusting that whatever He has for us is His best. Thank God for the peace I have in that!!

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

Humbling

I am completely humbled by all of you who are praying for me. THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. I now have a long list of people happily added to my prayer list, and what fun God and I have had talking about you (or the loved ones for whom you sought prayer)! I pray God blesses all of you!!

`

Much, much love, in Christ's name,

Deb

Prayers for Health!

Linn at A Place Called Simplicity has called for a Crazy love party based on prayer. http://aplacecalledsimplicity.blogspot.com/ (The first party was meeting people's financial needs. Boy was that fun!). I couldn't pass up the chance to participate. Who doesn't need prayer???

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I haven't felt well for too many months. I've seen loads of docs and tried a myriad of fixes. And I must say that today I feel better than I did in a few months ago. Thank God!! But still it lingers.... Unfortunately, I had to put my (second) adoption on hold until I feel better. Not feeling well has also brought about a fair amount of anxiety about what's wrong with me and why it won't stop. I've spent a lot of time in prayer, and God and I have had some good talks about that!! More trust in Him. More surrender of my "stuff". More of You, less of me, Lord.

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I know my prayer request isn't the most interesting out there but it's awful to feel lousy for so long -- particularly when you're a single mama!! I would love to tell our adoption agency that I'm ready to start the process for our second baby by June (or sooner). Would you pray I'm healthy and full of energy by that time? I'm humbled by your willingness to consider my heart's cry.

`

If you want to read more about Seth and me you can see his story at http://conceivedinprayer.blogspot.com/2010/03/seths-journey-home.html and my prayer for the second one at http://conceivedinprayer.blogspot.com/2009/12/great-adventure.html

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I'm also committing to pray for anyone who is praying for us. So in your comments, please leave a request and it will be covered in prayer by me for at least a month.

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Last, let's all pray for Linn and Dwight. They are blessing sooo many of us (far more than the 1000+ followers). Pray for Jubilee's surgery and for their upcoming trip to Uganda and for the next children to come.

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"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we asked of him" 1 John 5:14-15.

Learning (again) to Pray

I'm reading "A Woman's Call to Prayer" by Elizabeth George. Great reminders. Great book. I loved a quote by D.L. Moody that she included:
`
Prayer is the bow,
the promise is the arrow:
faith is the hand which draws the bow, and
sends the arrow with the heart's message to heaven.
The bow without the arrow is of no use; and
the arrow without the bow is of little worth; and
both, without the strength of the hand, to no
purpose.
Neither the promise without prayer,
nor prayer without the promise,
nor both without faith,
avail the Christian anything.
What was said of the Israelites, "They could not enter in,
because of unbelief,"
the same may be said of many of our prayers: they
cannot enter heaven, because they are not put up in
faith.
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Lord, help me to offer prayers that avail much and help me in my unbelief to fully accept and embrace that power of your healing. I love You. I trust You. Amen.

Coincidence? I think not!

Ever since I posted that Seth was having speech problems and asked for prayer, something remarkable has happened. He has started to speak! This morning, I spoke to his therapists after their time together and they reported that Seth was speaking in full phrases throughout his session today. Coincidence? I think not! Check him out!

"Seth need car."
"I crash car."
"Crash!"
"Oh no! Uh-oh!!"

Answered prayers again. Amen! Thanks for praying everyone..... I will keep you posted on Seth's next great words of wisdom. Ha!

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"Confess your sins to each other and pray for one another so you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and wonderful results." James 5:16

Personal Update

I started this blog back in late December to kick off our wait for baby number two in our family. I remain excited about that prospect and continue to dream of the laughter of siblings in our home. I put that adoption on hold when I felt like God and I had some unfinished business to discuss prior to going forward. There are plenty of postings on that whole topic! At this point, I think I’ve worked through all of my little (or big) issues and that I have a green light from God to adopt a second child, except for one thing: I need to make certain that my health is really on the right foot before I can proceed because being a single mama doesn’t really afford you the opportunity to rest much! (And I know that parenting with a hubby doesn’t either…..) While I have good days and bad days and I’ve been feeling progressively better overall, I’m not quite there yet. My hope had been that by March 1 I could press go, but it wasn’t time yet. Now I’m hoping for May 1. What a nice spring/summer blessing that would be!

Thanks so much to all of you who are asking about it and praying for us and baby number two, whenever s/he will arrive. I’m still excited; I’m still energized when I think of it; I still believe it’s God’s call for me. It’s just time to wait on Him and be obedient. Pray on warriors!

Trust Issues

I was recently reminded that I have trust issues. Big ones. No, not the kind that makes me wait until a car approaching a red light comes to a complete stop before crossing, but rather the kind that needs more than a person's word to take to the bank. Or, gulp, sometimes, more than God's Word.

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I have not been feeling well. For a while now. It is impacting my ability to work, to parent, to be a good friend, and to write this blog. I'm exhausted all of the time and have other strange symptoms I won't bore you with. I'm very blessed to have many doctors in my life including my brother-in-law, my dear friends Beth, Jen, and Lori, as well as my own team of people that I see professionally. None of them think anything serious is going on. None of them are panicking. None of them think I'm rational. :) Ha. But even hearing them tell me "you're okay" isn't enough. Even hearing the neurologist tell me last week, "I'm not worried. If you want additional tests, I will order them for you but not for me. I don't need more tests.". That worked. For a minute. And then I spent all weekend panicking about _____ since we haven't done the most important test. Oh brother. Talk about not trusting the experts!!!

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So Wednesday I had an MRI and shortly we will know for certain about the issue most troubling me. Somewhere behind the fear I know I'm fine. Or will be. But I needed objective raw data to tell me that to be at peace in my head and my heart. Pray for those results. A clear brain!!

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This journey to find my health (again) runs a strong parallel to my journey of faith. I believe in God. I love Him. I pray. I worship. I serve. But the truth is, I also often doubt and long for that objective Truth to smack me in the head like the results of an MRI. Something I can see and touch and taste and hold. But that's not what faith is like, is it? Faith is believing what we cannot see. Faith is a leap into the unknown. Faith is not uninformed or baseless, but it can be reckless and is always wilful, at least for me. See, sometimes I have to will myself to have faith because often, what I see, touch, experience, and live would lead me to the opposite conclusion. Faith is hard. Faith takes work. Faith takes FAITH.

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Lord, help me to continue to grow in my faith in You. Help me to trust You and the plan You have for me, my family and this world. Thank You for being ever present and all-knowing. Amen and amen.

Captive Thoughts

I realized something over the holidays: I am not an animal. I know that sounds funny, but stay with me. I am fully human, created by God with a complex brain that I will never understand. As a woman, I have the ability to take captive my thoughts (“We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ . . . .” 2 Corin. 10:5) and have the un-animal ability to control the wanderings of my over-active brain. I am not an animal. This may sound silly, or like something that you figured out a long time ago, but not me. For me, this realization was life changing. . . .

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In the late fall, after a few tough months, I was nearly out of good books to read. I inquired of a number of my friends about books they recently read, threw in a few others I heard about, and passed those lists along to my fam. Happily, I now have a nice new stack of books to read, and plenty of them will probably end up discussed here! One of the books I picked up is “One Month to Live -- Thirty Days to a Regrets-free Life.” I heard about this one on Moody radio and it fits right into my holiday realization.

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The idea of the book, which I’m a total of five days into (stay tuned), is that some of us might live a little differently if we recognized that we had limited time left – 30 days. This was a subtle part of my realization over the holidays, pre-book. See, there are things in this life that are hard. Really hard. People are hungry and hurting; soldiers are dying; children are parentless; relationships are broken; sickness is everywhere; war abounds; evil grows. There are things in my life that are hard: Seth’s medical challenges and what those mean for him in school and life. His surgeries. My own silly medical stuff. And failed dating relationships.

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If you know me, you know that I’m no stranger to expressing my feelings. I’ve never been good at faking anything. If you want to know how I “really” feel, look at my face (or my sleeve). The answer is right there. BUT (and this is what I’m learning) I do have some control over how long those emotions spin out of control. In the fall, I was grieving a rejection that cut me deeply in addition to having an overly packed medical agenda for Seth and me. I was so sad and I allowed that sadness to steal four months of my life. That is not okay! As I type, nothing has changed in my circumstances – I’m still single without prospects, and Seth and I still have medical challenges ahead. And yet, something has changed. I have uncovered (again) my joy.

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You see, what I learned in December is that I can sit around and think about how I was rejected and why that happened and how it resulted in a tough fall. Or about how my newish car got wrecked and my electricity was popping and (seemingly) prepared to blow up my house on Christmas and how many doctors I have yet to see. Or how hard it is that I’m still single and how it would be better for Seth to have a Daddy and me a partner in crime (ha). OR I can live this life doing the things that I know honor and glorify God and make me happy – all of which result in JOY. For me, that’s adopting God’s children. “Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the cause of orphans.” Isaiah 1:17. There is not one place in my life where I am happier, more fulfilled, and more in the center of God’s will than when I am with my son or when I dream about my future children. Period. Nowhere else.

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If I had thirty days left to live, I would be doing what I’m doing right now. I would love on Seth. I would adopt another child. I would dwell on those things I can’t change a lot less. I would move forward and stop looking back (see Lot’s wife, the pillar of salt). I would live in JOY.

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That’s not an easy undertaking! For about three weeks, I’ve been doing great. I smile more. I laugh easily. I look in the mirror and see someone different. I have hope. And maybe that’s the bottom line. Hope. Hope is forward looking. Hope is expectant. Hope is hopeful. :-) While there is a lot of pain and suffering in this life, I’m choosing to live like there is no tomorrow, because, frankly, there may not be! I’ve taken captive my negative thoughts and I choose not to dwell on the past or on the pain of this world. Sure, life is hard, and I pray my heart continues to break for the things that break God's heart. And yes, there will be more hard times in our family. I will still grieve and cry out and refuse to fake it. That’s just me; and I believe it’s also the way God taught us to experience this life – Fully in the moment, but not stuck in the moment, looking forward with hope to His plan for us. His plan for me. I still have 25 days of the book left to read (there is one chapter per day) and, Lord willing, 60 years of putting into practice my holiday realization. :-)

God help me to keep my eyes on YOU and no one else. Keep me focused. Keep me single-minded. And when I get wrapped up into unhealthy thinking about things that aren’t eternal, help me ask myself, what if you had just thirty days left???

Praise the Lord!

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to praise the Lord when we get our way? Or when prayers are answered with "yes"? The real test of our faith is whether we can (and do) praise Him when it doesn't go our way or results in pain or suffering rather than celebration.

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I've been praying with fervor about Seth and his surgeries and his issues. And God is systematically answering all of my prayers (and yours too!). The only unanswered prayer to this point is for complete and total healing. And I'm not giving up on that yet! So today, when his surgery went well and when we got more good news about his hormone levels and endocrine system, I praised Him. Loudly. Thank GOD, I said. Amen, I screamed! I cried when I got the call telling me that diabetes is off the table. God is good!!! But what if today had ended differently? What if the answer to prayer had been "No, Seth will have diabetes insipidus and I will use that illness for My good, too." Or what if surgery hadn't gone well? Could I still praise Him?

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That's the rub isn't it? I mean it's easy to tell friends that our kids are so "good" and "pure joy" when they are in a season of obedience. Likewise, it is "easy" to give God all of the credit when things are going right. And frankly, if I'm honest, it is consistent with what I think I know of Him. He is good. He is faithful. He loves Seth more than I do. Of course He would make sure that Seth is cared for and healthy, right? But what if He didn't? That's where the faith comes in. Faith that God has something more for Seth no matter what comes into our path. Faith that God is using Seth for His purposes, even when I can't see it. I think that's why that song by Jeremy Camp, "I will walk by faith" means so much to me right now:

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"I will walk by faith; even when I cannot see. Well because this broken road, prepares your will for me..... See I'm broken, BUT I STILL SEE YOUR FACE. Well you've spoken, pouring your words of grace..... So I will walk by faith....."Isn't that what it's all about?? Lord, help me.