Denial

My daughter has HIV.

No, this isn't new information; I've known that for two years.

And I thought I was okay with it.

 As okay as you can be with these things, I suppose....

Then there was today.

Today we were doing medical clinics at Ssenge Village with African Hearts. Moreen (the school administrator) had suspicions about whether a few of the children at their school might be positive. Lynsay and I purchased rapid HIV tests and performed five tests today.

Two of them were positive.

And I lost it.

I was so sad. Then I was mad.

Adults can do something about whether they get HIV. (Don't have unprotected sex; don't share sharp objects)

But kids. These kids.

They didn't deserve this. It's not fair.

See where this is going? Sometime in the middle of being just plain ticked off about it, I realized that I've never really processed the fact that my daughter is positive. MY daughter. Positive. It's not fair. And it's not fair for the babies we diagnosed today.

OF COURSE I believe that Leah can (and will) have a long, healthy life. I pray about it and have faith that God will see it through. But the fact remains that Leah has this rat-bastard of a disease (yea, I said it) and she will have it, barring a healing, for a lifetime.

And I'm sad.

Leah Grace at 3+

Leah is doing great.

Post-preschool suspension, she stayed home for the first semester of the school year.

Fortunately, Debbie worked hard teaching her many things.

Blessing.

This winter, I decided to put her in school a couple of days a week.

Problem was, everything was full.....

...except for that the Oak Park Temple had a recent and unexpected opening.

So after a total God moment with a lovely lady at the bank, I enrolled Leah at Glasser Preschool.

And she loves it.

Check out this note I got last week:

"Leah's transition to the Gan Katan classroom as been as seamless, and dare we say perfect, as can be.  She understands and follows the rules and routine of the day without question.  She is self-sufficient and proud of her accomplishments."

Amazing.

Perfect.

Hilarious (post-suspension)

I'm also very excited because both kids will be going to First United Preschool next year.... arguably the best preschool in our area.  Thank you, Jesus!

Health-wise, Leah is well but we aren't yet to undetectable.

This is not what I expected, honestly, but all is well.

In short, she was not going undetectable on the old meds, so we took her off to check resistance.

(She couldn't stay on because her viral load was too low (160) to check resistance)

We expected Leah's viral load to go up when she went off ARVs.

What we didn't expect was for it to go up . . . to the millions.

Well into the millionS.

Oh.my.word.

She even freaked out our doctor.

After checking her blood again to make sure it wasn't a mistake (not a mistake) Leah started new medicine.

Since September, her viral load has been going down.  I'm praying that in February when we test, she is (finally) under 50 and undetectable.  Lord, please.  It's the healthiest place for her immune system.

That will be a day of celebration for sure!

As I was praying for Leah at the retreat, God gave me a verse for her too.

Leah was without a mama for two years. 

That's a long time in a wee-one's life!

Sometimes, I see this working itself out in Leah's sassiness, in her grouchiness, and in our family.

Things have gotten SO much better in the last two months or so.

(Another reason I'm blessed to be home)

She is much less angry and defensive, and tries to control her environment a lot less.

Even still, as I prayed for her, God gave me the word "Freedom."

I pray that Leah will be free from the hard stuff she experienced the first few years of life.

Now.

Miraculously.

Lord, let it be.

Leah's verse, for 2012:

"Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."

2 Corinthians 3:17b

Leah Grace's Update

On Monday, Leah went for her re-check to see if her viral load was really as bad as the last test suggested.

The results are in and, yep, the virus really is just that AWFUL.

Monday we started back on meds.

New meds that will knock that virus from here to kingdom come.

The good news is that Leah is not resistant to any med, so if we have a compliance issue in the future (I can't imagine a teenager not complying.... ha) we will have lots of options should she develop a resistance.

So praise the Lord for these medicines that give my girl a hope and a future.

Lord, you are good to us!

Still praying for the miraculous healing....

Leah Grace's Update

Before we get to the health update,

here's my new favorite outfit.  :)

Leah's test results are back.

Her viral load went crazy.
As in really crazy.
And I freaked.

So this week we get her resistance testing and back on meds asap.
You can pray for us in this.
And my heart.
Love my little Leah.....

Comer Children's Hopsital

Comer had a party for some of us several weeks back.

Oh did we have fun meeting friends near and far!!

Phew!

That's exhausting.

And, bet ya can't guess which babies are positive and which aren't!!

The Today Show

Take a little looksey at this.  You might just recognize a few somebodies.... ;)

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Go Tweits!!

Leah Grace

Leah Grace has been home about six weeks now and overall, is doing really well.  We have had a lot of doctor appointments and she is checking out great.  Here is a quick update:

HIV:  Leah has been on anti-retrovirals for over a year, supposedly.  Uganda had only pills for Leah, so the orphanage had to smash and hide them in food.  Yea.... Not so sure how often she got them or in what dosage.  But now, she gets them religiously.  Prior to starting the liquids here, we tested Leah Grace to see where she stood.  Her viral load was about 300.  A reading of less than 50 is considered "undetectable."  Now, 300 sounded high to me until I learned that some other HIV positive kids have a viral load of 160,000.  Yep, Leah is almost undetectable WITHOUT being on the right meds religiously.  Praise God.  Her CD4 level is also high (which is good) and we feel very encouraged about the status of her disease.  I'm praying that by the time we next test her viral load, she is under 50.  :)

HIPS/LEGS:  Leah didn't walk until 18 months old (or later) and still is not a great walker, although she is showing great improvement since she's home.  We had a hip x-ray to make sure that both hips are in socket.  And, yes, again.  Her hips look great.  We saw the orthopedic surgeon this week who said that one leg might be slightly longer than the other, throwing her off a bit, but it's not major.  Her muscles and legs look good.  No surgery.  No orthotics.  Amen.

PARASITES:  Leah tested positive for giardia.  She took meds for two weeks and should be all clear now.  She also has ring worm, which is not an urgent matter to be addressed.  We'll get to it.... We are testing her, ehm, "stool" for any other parasites that were hiding behind the giardia. 

TB:  Leah also tested positive for TB.  She had a chest x-ray last week, which was negative.  Phew!  So she has latent TB and will take meds for about 9 months to ensure no infection.  She sure is used to some medicine!!

HEART:  Leah's great docs suggested that we take a look at her heart to make sure that it is not enlarged either from HIV or from malnutrition.  Last week, we had an EKG and an Echo.  Heart?  Perfect.  Check.  Amen, again.

IMMUNIZATIONS:  We don't think Leah has had any shots in her life, based on the anti-bodies (or lack thereof) in her blood.  So last week we started those.  Five down, a zillion to go.  She's a trooper.  :)

DEVELOPMENT:  Leah had an Early Intervention (EI) evaluation a few weeks back.  She is going to receive speech and physical therapies in the new year.  Leah says more new words every day, so I'm wondering if she will even qualify until her third birthday, or will test out in the next few months.  But until then, she'll get a little extra help from one of Seth's therapy buddies!  And physical therapy should help her with the walking and stairs.  We are setting an appointment to go to the Erikson Institute for a medical diagnostic evaluation -- also development related but by doctors (MDs) as opposed to therapists.  I'm excited to hear what they think.

Physically, Leah has gained a couple of pounds in the last few months and grown a couple inches.  She's getting big.  :)  Next up?  Ears, Nose and Throat doc......

On a personal note, Seth and Leah are doing great and are genuinely fond of each other.  I take great pleasure in watching them play and tease each other.  It is soooo sweet.  Leah still hits quite a bit and I'm working more seriously on that issue right now.  She knows she is not supposed to and has started to control her urges in the last week.  But it's her way of controlling her environment, so we have a ways to go on that one.  Erikson should help us there.  Leah is quite attached to me and seems to realize more all of the time that I am "the" Mommy as opposed to "a" Mama.  Great progress.  And as for me, I love her more everyday.  I am still in awe that God took me on this journey to Leah Grace but oh, so thankful He did.  Thank you for your continued prayers.  We covet them.

Focus on this?

Or this?

It's not a close call......

THIS! 

Thank you, Jesus, for Leah Grace!

Project Hopeful!!!

I'd say World AIDS Day was a rousing success this year, wouldn't you?  I mean, there were OODLES of stories about Carolyn and Kiel's family -- written, audio and video.  Yay God!  Education is key.  Here is a link to one of the videos.

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2010/12/01/eveningnews/main7107895.shtml

Educate, Enable, Encourage!!!!

More HIV facts

Facts about HIV

Page 82.  Buy it.  Read it.  Spread it.  HIV can be stopped.  And children can be saved.

Quick update

We are, um, a bit busy at Disney World.  Wuh hoo!  But I wanted to write that Leah had her follow-up blood test and is A-OKAY!!!  White count in normal ranges, thank you Jesus!!!
Thanks for praying.  Obviously, it's working, AGAIN!

Doctor appointments and Mama thoughts

We had our first visit to the HIV clinic today.  Leah seemed to really like Linda (the NP) and didn't have the melt down she had at the pediatrician last week.  Phew!  The exam was pretty much what we expected and then we were off to "give" eight vials (or nine?) of blood.  Oy vey....  Leah did great.  Really great.  I think she was mostly upset about having her arm tied down so she couldn't move around.  Such a two-year old reaction.  Ha. 

This afternoon, during VegeTales Live, I got calls from Linda -- on cell, at home, and on my blackberry.  Uh oh.  I was immediately concerned.  I called Linda; then paged her.  Turns out a lot of Leah's blood work was back and there was something to discuss.  (sigh)  Most of her blood looks good.  Her CD4 count is high (good) and it does not appear she has had Hep A, B or C.  Yay!  Her liver and kidney function look good and all around, things were positive.  But (BUT!!!) her white cell count is low.  Dangerously low.  Linda called to tell me that if she starts acting sick or gets a fever -- any fever -- it's off to the ER for us.  She will have to be hospitalized.

After asking a dozen questions, I hung up and started thinking about how to keep my girl well, particularly since we are back on a plane on Sunday for Florida.  This trip has been planned since, oh, about March, to celebrate my, um, big year.  :)  My sister, one of my brothers and my parents are all going.  We leave early Sunday and I'm SO excited.  Lord willing, we will be able to go on Sunday as planned.  But will you pray for us?  Will you pray for Leah?  That the germs would stay away and (more importantly) that her white cell count would go up.  Way up into normal ranges again.  We are going to retest again in Florida on Tuesday and by then, we pray, we'll be "normal." :)

Hearing this news was a bummer.  And a snap back into reality that my baby is not 100%.  It has been easy for me to pretend that she is completely healthy and normal.  But she's not.  Maybe I needed this reminder to be more fervent in my prayers and more persistent in my petitions on her behalf.  After talking to Linda, I clung to my girl and wanted to hold her tight and protect her and shelter her from life.  She's my sweet baby. 

Heavenly Father, I ask in Jesus' name that You heal Leah Grace from the top of her head to the bottom of her feet.  I pray that you would protect her from all infection and keep her well.  Let our trip to Florida be fun and relaxing and safe for the entire family.  God I thank You for calling me to bring Leah home.  Thank You for being real in my life and for using me for Your purposes.  I'm humbled by Your goodness and mercy.  I love You.  Amen.

HIV Facts

As I've continued to research, I have come across the following facts or quotes which are my new favorites:

• Children living with HIV in parts of the world with easy access to good health care, and HIV medications (AKA Antiretroviral medications, ARVs, and HAART or Highly Active Antiretoviral Therapy) have an excellent prognosis. Since HAART began in 1996 we have seen a rapid decline in the number of people with AIDS in many parts of the world. It has increased the number of people living with HIV. This is because without HAART HIV will progress to AIDS. . . . . Many many people who started this therapy 11 years ago are alive today and doing well with their HIV so well controlled it is not even detectable in their blood. This means their immune system functions almost like people without HIV. It means they can go to school, college, get married and have babies- and they are doing all of these things and more. Many of you, if asked, would say you do not know anyone with HIV, but the reality is that many of you do and you just don't know it. . . . . They are all in schools with kids like your kids and you would never know what they are walking around with. But, you don't really need to know, unless it's someone you are close to and you can offer help with childcare when they travel to see the HIV clinic every three months.
• Do HIV+ children pose a risk to other children in their homes, schools, churches, etc.?
  None. (read that period aloud) There is no known documented case of a child passing HIV to another child in school or church.
• "Don't spend time worrying about weird and obscure ways of transmitting the virus. The simple fact is that if no one shared needles and everyone wore condoms, the HIV epidemic would disappear." - Joel Gallant, M.D., M.P.H., Professor of Medicine & Epidemiology in the Division of Infectious Diseases and Associate Director of the Johns Hopkins AIDS Service at The Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine
• 93 deaths every DAY in car accidents1 - 4 every HOUR
  10 deaths every DAY from swimming accidents
  8 deaths every DAY from fire accidents
  4.9 deaths every DAY from falling on stairs
  2.5 deaths every DAY from choking
  1.5 deaths from lightening strike every WEEK
  4.4 deaths on amusement park rides per year
  Over the past 28 years that HIV/AIDS has been carefully tracked by the Centers for Disease Control, there have been only 8 reported, though unconfirmed, cases of household transmission of the virus. 8 in 28 years
  (It is important to note that among those 8 cases were hemophiliac brothers sharing razors, some elderly women not using simple universal precautions for years, and some individuals living in bizarrely unsanitary conditions, further proving that under ‘normal’ household conditions, the virus is almost impossible to pass. - Also there have been no further cases since 1994, likely due to vast changes in the ratio of people w/ AIDS vs. HIV and the life altering improvements in medicine.)
• Children with HIV are perfectly safe to be around, hug, kiss, and share food and bathrooms with. For this reason, generally people with HIV are not required by law to tell ANYONE about their condition, including schools and even dentists.
• You are 287 times more likely to be struck DEAD by lightning than accidentally contract HIV from living with a positive person.
• Pray for Betty. Healing, Lord!!

HIV and Development

Last night, while I'm typically emailing with Betty's agency at 2 in the morning, I got an email with her measurements, which I had requested. She is 19 months old and just 28 inches tall and 22 pounds. While she is chubby for her very short height, she's a tiny thing! I looked up the growth percentage charts and she is in the 3% range, which I'm guessing is not uncommon for kiddos in an orphanage and certainly not unusual for HIV positive babes. I wonder if there is a different growth chart for Ugandans? (They are shorter on the whole, I noticed....)

`

Anyway, I'm reading a new book called "Red Letters -- Living a Faith That Bleeds." Tom Davis wrote it. There was an interesting section on HIV that I read yesterday and thought I would share:

`

"The following are blatant lies about HIV: You can contract HIV by sitting on a toilet seat. You can get HIV from a water fountain or from someone else's saliva. (You'd have to drink a five-gallon bucket's worth of spit to stand a chance. Any takers?) Only homosexuals or drug users get AIDS. You can tell by looking at people if they're infected by HIV. Debunking lies is easy. The truth, on the other hand, is not. Yes, the majority of people with HIV got it through sexual contact or because of drug use. But does that make them less worthy of compassion? It seems as if we have taken a hands-off approach to this disease because people classify it, at best, as a dirty disease and, at worst, as a curse from God. But how might Jesus have responded to AIDS?

`

Obviously, AIDS is a new disease, not something Jesus would have encountered when He walked this earth. He did, however, encounter leprosy, which was considered a dirty disease at the time. Sure, there are some differences, but let's not get tripped up by that. Take a moment to look at leprosy. It doesn't require a time machine to see what it's like -- leprosy is still with us today . . .

`

[When encountering leprosy] Jesus didn't walk on the other side of the road. He didn't scrunch up his face in disgust or withhold his hand. He reached out with love and compassion."

`

Aren't we called to do the same?

Betty and the Doctor

Last week, Betty's doctors wrote me somewhat of a nasty email informing me that they would "absolutely not" provide me with her medical records to "decide" whether to adopt her. I can be sensitive and the truth is, it hurt my feelings a bit. But that's okay. I graciously responded that I intended no harm to Betty -- in fact, I care about her quite a lot. My intention in seeing the records was to understand the full scope of her issues. Not to be unfair to her.

`

In any event, my Ugandan attorney had suggested from the beginning that I hire a doctor to evaluate Betty, so that's what I did. On Monday, Betty met with "my" pediatrician. The doctor reported that Betty is in good health and is developing normally. Praise God! She has dermatitis (which she had when I was there) and because of this visit, she is getting medicine! Yippee!! She also has an upper respiratory infection, which made me think: hey, that's going around over there too?

`

All of that to say, things look good with Betty. Next up, chat with infectious disease doctor and meeting with my sister. :) Almost there! (Decision time, that is....)

`

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you."

1 Peter 5: 6-7

Lunch with my dad

Yesterday, my dad came downtown on the train to have lunch with me. I'll be honest and tell you that I had some fears about what I must have done wrong to deserve this visit. It's kind of a family joke that when dad asks you to lunch or dinner..... watch out! As it turns out, we had a very nice lunch talking about a whole host of things, not the least of which are my next adoption and Betty.

`

Dad asked me some hard questions about Betty, but nothing I haven't already asked myself in this process. For example, if you want to adopt again, why intentionally sign up for a special needs child? I think it is an imminently fair question and here is my answer. I have always known that I would adopt. Since I was a young girl, knowing and understanding the stories of my brothers, I have wanted to adopt. I never thought I would do it alone, as a single person, until the process of adopting Seth began. Back in 2007, I was very specific that I wanted a normal, healthy child because I am a single mom. God gave me Seth. What I have learned through Seth is that I have the capacity to deal with special needs and that maybe I'm gifted in that area. I look at it this way: There is a universe of people who want to have children. It's large. Most people do. Some small percentage of those people are open to adoption and do adopt. Of those limited numbers of people who adopt, there is an even smaller sub-set who will consider adopting a child with special needs. I think, as it turns out, that I'm in that group of people. By the way, if you had told me that five years ago, I would have laughed you out of town. Soooo not me! God can do strange things like that....

`

See, the HIV thing doesn't intimidate me any more. Yes, I want to see Betty's medical records and I want to sit with an infectious disease doctor and understand all that we are facing. But I've moved past the HIV in my decision to a place of wondering how Seth will react and whether Betty and I will bond and what her personality is really like. (Hard to tell in 3 hours of being together). That's all about an adoption of a child that's not a newborn. I got used to the Seth situation -- bringing him home from the hospital spoiled me! We've been together from the beginning. And the beginning with Betty will look different. I'm trying to wrap my brain around that!

`

Despite my questions that remain, God has been swinging wide the doors for me to run through thus far. I believe that when we pray for clarity, we had better keep track of the answers that come! So here's my list, so far. From meeting Betty in Uganda to today. . . .

`

May 19 Met Betty

May 20 Spent two hours with Betty

May 22 Ugandan attorney says Betty's adoption can be fast

May 24 Home to Chicago

May 25 Pediatrician tells me that HIV is "just another chronic disease"

May 25 Email Betty's orphanage

May 28 Orphanage responds to my email (yahoo!)

June 1 Orphanage agrees to provide Betty's medical records

June 1 Set up time to meet with Adoption Link re home study

June 1 Email attorney who responded immediately with checklist for adoption

June 2 Visit to neurologist to have nerve/muscle test. Clear results!

June 2 Med student at appointment calls HIV "chronic disease"

June 7 Email Lisa (mom of HIV child)

June 7 Lisa responds immediately with a very encouraging email!

June 7 Email orphanage for request of picture of Betty

June 8 Received photos of Betty (YIPPEE!!)

June 8 Update of Home Study

June 8 Learn that Infectious Disease doctor will start adoption clinic 10 minutes from our home

June 8 Spoke to Beth (doctor) re HIV and very encouraged. She notes that HIV is a "chronic disease." Catching a theme here?

June 9 Spoke to Linn, who also encouraged me!

June 9-10 Emailed over and over with the orphanage in the wee hours of the night. :-)

`

Lord, I am so thankful for your goodness and mercy. Please continue to lead and guide me through this decision. And, Lord, protect Betty. Keep her healthy and safe. In Jesus' precious name. Amen.

And then there was the freak out

I knew it would come. I knew that I was a little bit in la-la land. And this morning, it hit. The freak out. I figured if I was going to write about God’s victories on this blog, I had better write about the challenges I face as well.

I slept good last night – long and without waking up. But when I did wake up, I was agitated. Too many thoughts rummaging around my head and causing doubt, fear and panic. I wonder what in the world I’m thinking with Betty. What if we don’t bond? What if she gets AIDS? What if I can’t afford her medicine during her life? What if she dies? What if Seth doesn’t like her? What if my relationship with Seth changes? What if, what if, what if, what if…..

Then there was the sadness, again. Why am I still single? Wouldn’t this all be easier with a hubby for me and a daddy for my kiddos? What in the world is God thinking? And why not me? So many others, but why not me? I’m tired of this issue. Really tired. Tired of thinking about it, worrying about it, and being saddened by it. And yet, I’d love to bat these issues around with my husband, like so many of my friends get to. I’d love to hear his thoughts, concerns, and worries. His faith and love and support. All of it. I’m ready to not make decisions like whether to adopt Betty by myself. Past ready.

So, the wrestling and waiting and the questioning, confirming, accepting and moving has arrived. I have a few months to make sure I’m sure about this decision and any other adoption related decisions I have to make. I’m just going to pray the decision is clear as the day is long. Bring it, Lord. Your holy clarity. Come Holy Spirit, come.

The Journey to Betty

I have never been a journal writer. I’ve oft started and failed to write on a daily basis. After a hard season last summer, I started to write on my blogs – first Seth’s blog (on rare occasions) and then in December, here. Since returning from Uganda, it has been fun for me to look back and notice how God is really working on me, in some significant areas! I can see His footprints throughout my thoughts and feelings and challenges. (Maybe there's something to this journaling thing....) I have seen, as I look back, how God is refining me through my trials, something I haven’t ever really had the chance to experience so outright in my life, before now.

`
Last August, when I was grieving a broken relationship, I was forced to remember God’s faithfulness, through Seth. I wrote, of my fears about Seth, the following:

`
“At some point, I collapsed and could finally hear God. . . . As if He spoke directly into my soul, God reminded me that whatever issues Seth may have (insert list of "horribles") God will be with us. If we have to have tests and surgeries, God will be there. If we have times of struggle, God will be there too. When I feel like I can't do it as a single mom, God will step in. "I will never leave you nor forsake you," He said.”

`
And shortly after that realization, I was reminded that God has a Plan, for all us – even our children, and that His plan will be okay. I know that sounds funny, but truly, it will be okay! I wrote this:

`
“During the home study process, I was very open to whatever child God would have for me. Or so I thought. I'd take any race. Any age. Boy or girl. Any exposure to drugs and maybe even alcohol. But I was very specific that I could not handle and did not want a special needs child. I am single after all, I rationalized to my social worker, and if God has called me to adopt, surely He doesn't want it to be THAT hard for me. Hmmm. Interesting statements I made. See, God gave me a special needs baby despite my view of my own limitations. God gave me Seth with all of his glorious and, at times, painful issues. And I adore him. And I wouldn't change one thing about him. Not one. That's the definition of unconditional love. Sure, Seth's life is going to be a little more challenging than some other kids. . . . . But God is with him. God is with us. He's using Seth's "stuff" for our good and I pray every day that Seth would put his lessons through these trials to Kingdom use one day. God putting Seth in my life (a special needs child and the one thing I thought I couldn't handle) taught me that God knows and understands what we need better than we can ever know. God knows our deepest needs, our deepest desires, and the sum total of what we can handle. God knows.”

`
Then, in December, I decided to launch my second adoption journey. Despite having learned these lessons about God and how He is using Seth for our good and His kingdom, I found myself praying for a “normal” child, without special needs of any kind. Perhaps unsurprisingly, as I look back, God put the adoption on hold.

`

On January 11, God called me to pray for Seth, in his room. You may remember this post for while I prayed, God reminded me that "Seth is enough."

(http://conceivedinprayer.blogspot.com/2010/01/promptings.html )

At the time, I believed God was telling me Seth is enough, as my only child, and I was sad. It later became clear to me, however, that God had a different plan.

`
As I continued to petition God about my life and my second child and this adoption, God and I had many good conversations. Here’s what I learned in those conversations:

`
“As I talked to God about my hopes for more children and His promises to give me the desires of my heart and his command to care for orphans, interestingly, what I did not hear was the "no" I've been hearing. Instead God and I ended up talking about Seth's special needs and the potential special needs of a second child. More specifically, God pointed out to me in a clear way that I'm really afraid of having another child who has needs equal to or even greater than Seth.”

`
I also said (and this is the amazing part):

`
“See, when Noreen called about that first baby, it was pretty easy for me to look at that baby (figuratively) and say NO. But that baby, like all other orphans, needs a home too. Who is going to be the mother to the drug addicted? Who will parent the disabled? Who will love the baby with AIDS? Maybe, just maybe, God needs to work on my heart a little more before He allows me to proceed into this second adoption.”

`
And, last but not least, God explained his “Seth is enough” comment. Seth, with all of his issues, is enough -- A beautiful child of my heart who I adore and would never want to change. My next child, no matter what his or her issues are, will be enough! My realization led to this:

`
“God and I are in this parenting thing together and whatever issues come up, we can handle them. If God gives me another special needs child, OKAY. If God gives me a VERY special needs child? OKAY! See maybe God isn't saying no to this adoption after all, but is working on me and my heart to understand that Seth is enough, with his issues, and the next baby will also be enough no matter what comes.”

`
That was January 27. But that wasn’t the end. I couldn’t pull my adoption “off the shelf” throughout the spring. I just didn’t feel like God had given me the go ahead. The answer was still, “wait.” And a lot of that had to do with my health. Do I think God allowed me to feel crummy so I wouldn’t go forward with an adoption before I met Betty? I don’t know, but maybe. In my flesh, I wanted to proceed in February and probably would have my second wee one by now. But that’s not how it happened. Instead, I was on hold until my trip to Uganda, and now I see all kinds of green lights from God – every shade of the rainbow! I just need to catch up and make sure my heart is right! I don’t want to enter into this flippantly or without caution or on a whim. I intend to worship God with my heart, soul, and mind. And then, I will run. :-)

`

One more thing. You may remember that I was on a search for the verse of the journey when this blog began. I couldn't find one I loved, so we used Seth's: "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, and constant in prayer." Still love that verse. (Rom. 12:12) Well, this morning, through an amazing Word at our church, I have the new verse -- a good word whether Seth and I go forward alone or if Betty (or some other second child) joins us: "Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5: 6-7.

Where we are

It is hard to believe I've been back for ten days already. I still feel a little bit like a stranger in a foreign land, but that feeling is subsiding. (Not thrilled about that...)

Seth and I have been praying for Betty. It is very cute to hear Seth say, "Betty." He has no idea he's talking about a munchkin half-way around the world and just one short year younger than he is! (Probably a good thing for now -- ha).

Here's the Betty update: I am in touch with her orphanage. They are being completely cooperative and are compiling her medical records for my review. I hope to have those next week and sit with an infectious disease doctor soon. I am also in touch with my Ugandan attorney who gave me a list of things I need to complete the adoption. If you saw my post entitled, "Ugandan Adoptions" you may wonder how this would work. Since Betty is positive, we would petition the Ugandan court for adoption rather than guardianship and, based on past experience, given Betty's health stuff, they will grant the adoption request. With an adoption order in hand, there is no issue getting a visa from the US embassy as Betty would be ours.

I looked back at my previous posts where I said Betty could be home in a few weeks. Hmm. True from Uganda's perspective, but not the US! I spoke to the agency who did my home study and we have to tweak it for an International adoption and then get DCFS to issue an International license (I'm apparently approved for domestic children but not International. Go figure). Then the USCIS approval. That was a little frustrating to hear but I know God wants to give me some time to have my heart and my family's hearts ready for this new challenge. So bring on the wait! Looks more like Fall now. In the meantime, I have my last meeting for the home study on Monday (no wait there!). And we can proceed in Uganda so that as soon as the US is ready, I will have the adoption order in Uganda! God is opening some doors, and fast.

On that note, as I've considered bringing home Betty, it has caused me to think about my health too and whether/how this makes sense. I'm doing immensely better and am sooo grateful for your many, many prayers. Some weirdness lingers so, on Wednesday, I called my neurologist to see if we could run one more test to put my brain at ease. Low and behold he had an opening SAME DAY. I went that afternoon, spent an hour, and BAM. I'm totally normal. Yippee! So another thing checked off my list. Praise the Lord!

There are many strange and marvelous things happening in this second adoption journey and, as soon as I think I know how it will "end" (begin) God continues to make clear that He's in control, not me. So I'm trusting that whatever He has for us is His best. Thank God for the peace I have in that!!

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7