Heard around our 'hood -- the Love edition

Last night, after a lot of running around to various school events, I plopped down on the couch to vege with my kiddos prior to bedtime.  Almost as soon as my butt hit the cushion, Zechariah moved himself over next to me.  As he slid himself into my lap, he said -- almost under his breath -- "I love you Momma.  So, so much."  Of course, I immediately pulled him closer, hugged him and told him that I love him more than he could possibly know.  Bigger than the whole earth and to the moon and bigger than the universe.  He relaxed into me.

Not to be outdone, the original Mutt and Jeffina began to declare their love and make sure that I love them just as much as I love Zechariah.  Ah, six year olds.  {smile}

But this was a big deal for Zechariah and me.  While I have "known" that Z loves me for sometime, he has never, not once in 13 months of being home, told me that.  And who could blame him?  He lost both parents, family, friends who cared for him, and then his relationships at Manna Rescue Home.  Of course he is cautious with his words.  Of course it's scary.  Of course he's holding out.  I get it.

I'd be lying if I said the last year has been easy waiting for that moment.  I'm not such a "words" person but I tell my children I love them -- often -- because I want them to internalize that and know it, to their core.  Seth and Leah almost always respond in kind.  But not Zechariah.  It has oft made me wonder if it was me or if he wasn't thrilled to be in our family or even if he didn't actually love me.  In those moments, I had to remind myself once again that "it's not about me" and move on to love him in every way that I could -- even while failing at being love some of the time.

And so here we are, a year later.  He has finally expressed it in words, unsolicited.  I could not feel happier.  What a joyous night!  As I thought about it, after bed and into this morning, my mind drifted to a distant friend who is in Haiti, fighting for the love of her newest.  It's hard.  Sometimes painful.  And while some children from hard places will immediately profess love and are much more effusive, it's worth the wait.  Soooo worth the wait.

Love wins.

What does Leah think about all this?

On Sunday, I had some alone time with Leah and we had the opportunity to discuss the search for her birth mom.  It went something like this:

Leah, you know you didn't grow in Mama's belly, right?  You were adopted like your brothers.

Leah:  No, I didn't know that.

{Insert sigh}

Okay, baby.  We've talked about this many times.  You have a birth mommy but we don't know where she is.  I have asked our friend in Uganda to help me find her.  Do you remember her?

Leah:  Maybe a little bit.  I think of her a little bit.

Great!  So, our friend is going to work with some friends and see if we can find the mommy whose belly you grew inside of when you were a baby.

Leah:  {without a moment's hesitation and full of excitement}  Do I get to MEET her?  {Huge smile}

We'll see.  First, we have to see if we can find her.  Then we have more questions to figure out.  But yes, honey. I want you to meet your birth mom if we can.  I'm glad you're so excited about it!  I want to meet her too and hug her.  No matter what, you get to stay with Momma forever.

Leah then gave me the biggest hug ever.

She's just five years old.  It matters.

What does it {all} mean?

After my post yesterday, I realized that there is more to say as we embark on this journey.  Allow me to answer a few questions:

When we identify some members of Leah's biological family {yes, I am hopeful}, I want to meet them.  I want hug them.  I want to understand the circumstances of Leah's abandonment.  I want Leah to meet them, if it's appropriate. But Leah is not going back to live with them.  Her adoption is final both in Uganda and in the United States.  When we find the family, Lord willing, our family will expand in size and our hearts will explode with love for an extended Uganda family of our very own.  Yay!  There are many open questions in this regard and we are proceeding with caution; I am hopeful that this adventure will be a beautiful and healing process on both sides of the ocean.  

I was also asked what my blog post means more globally.  Do I support International adoption?  Do I think that every family who has adopted Internationally should be tracing the backgrounds of their children?  What does it all mean?  The short answer is I don't know.  I'm on a journey through this life and trying to find my way, just like all of us.  But there is more to say.

I am deeply concerned about the state of International adoption.  While my heart will always ache for true orphans {with no biological parents} who have no extended family to care for them, I do think that the number of children who fall into that category is significantly smaller than the extraordinary numbers that we hear about in our Christian communities.  In the vast majority of cases, children have extended family who love them and want them.  Special needs or not.  Check out this story:  http://ekisablog.org/2014/01/14/13-stories-from-2013-amys-home/  I believe that International adoption may need to close in order to put appropriate checks and balances in place to ensure that no more children are trafficked.  It goes back to this for me:  would I be willing to sacrifice my {wanted, loved, adored} child to adoption so other truly needy children could be adopted?  No, I would not.  That's what we are asking some percentage of mother's to do when we continue to use a system full of corruption.  But that doesn't solve the problem for children who are truly in need and this is where my thinking continues to develop.  This is hard, hard stuff.

I think it is very important that our children know their roots.  I can't imagine not knowing my biology. My parents.  The mother who carried me for nine months and labored over me.  My home town.  My home.  This is why I search.  For Leah.  Seth knows about his birth family and, Lord willing, will spend more time with them as he grows up.  We also have details about Zechariah's birth family.  But Leah?  Nothing.  I have watched as my Christian sisters have searched with success for birth families in Ethiopia.  I've seen them develop relationships born out of loss and tragedy that have grown into something beautiful for their children.  I want this for Leah and, ultimately, for all children who were adopted.  Does that mean I'm all judgmental and upset with people who chose not to search for families?  No, of course not.  The world of International adoption and biological families is far too complicated for me to take such a wrongly glorified position.  I am merely sharing my story in hopes that others will consider what's right for them and their families.  That is all.

Last, we covet your prayers.  I am aware of some files of children who were Internationally adopted that contain the name and contact information for the birth family.  Leah's file does not fall into that category.  It is going to take more than one miracle to identify her family, and I am praying for success!  

I will continue to post as the investigation develops.  Thanks so much for your support and love!  

International Adoption -- Triumphs and Travails

While it is difficult, as an adoptive mama, to see adoption under fire, the criticisms being lobbied at the business of adoption have merit.  They didn't spring up out of nowhere and they aren't “made-up, over-reactions to isolated incidents.”  No, these criticisms are the product of years of well-tread experiences across numerous countries in every corner of the world.  The criticisms are born out of true stories of abuses, corruption and greed. 

Recently, one my friends hired a private investigator to search for the biological mother of her adopted child.  Expecting to find nothing or, perhaps, distant relatives of her child who was allegedly abandoned, she instead found someone who may actually be the birth mother of her child, placed for adoption at a young age.  This adoptive mother is experiencing all sorts of different emotions.  Having been deceived about her child’s background, she feels angry.  She is also sad for the loss her child has and will continue to experience – the loss of the First Family.  She is devastated for the birth mother who was (apparently) duped into relinquishing her child.  Adoption fraud results in pain for everyone involved.

And her story is not unique.  From Vietnam to Guatemala to China to Ethiopia and beyond, the corruption associated with International adoption is not new.

I have two children who were adopted from Uganda.  They are not biologically related and have different stories that led to their adoption.  In 2010 when I met her, my daughter was at a then-prominent orphanage in Kampala.  Because of her HIV positive status, she was overlooked by the orphanage and considered “unadoptable.”  Nevertheless, I pursued and subsequently completed Leah’s adoption.  Afterward, a friend of mind was able to get me a full copy of Leah’s file from the orphanage. 

During my first trip to Uganda, I learned that in Uganda and other developing countries, children may be placed in orphanages by their biological family for temporary financial relief but not so that they are available for International adoption.  This means that when you visit an orphanage, not all of the children may actually be orphans and many may not be legally available for adoption.  Having learned that, I took a deeper look into Leah’s orphanage file.  I was told that Leah had been abandoned at birth and no family could be identified.  Instead of corroborating that, Leah’s file contains a letter from someone purporting to be a relative.  Unfortunately, no one followed up on the letter to determine its validity.  There are also other documents in Leah’s file, identifying potential relatives of Leah and where they might be found.  But the orphanage did nothing to contact or reach out to these individuals.    

So like many people before me, I embark on a journey to look for Leah’s biological family, braced for whatever and, dare we hope, whoever we may find.  I've hired a team in Uganda who I trust who will trace the open leads – finally, over four years later – in hopes of learning more about my Leah and her extended first family.  I don’t do this so I can add to the chorus of people disenfranchised with adoption. I’m doing it for Leah.  She needs to know her roots and her life and her family and her everything.  We don’t know what we will learn, but we proceed in faith. Will you cover us in prayer as we go?

The Final Date -- Zechariah

Z and I got to go to Dallas this weekend to play with Julie, Holt and Tristan.  Tristan turned five and we had a great time!!!  Thanks for having us, Barbers!!!

Back at home, Seth and Leah had good times as well!

Happy winter!!!

Inside Winter Fun

Yippee Winter!!!!!!!!!!!