Earlier this week I listened to a podcast about
whether single people (most assuredly focused on single women) should adopt children who need a family. The podcast was a replay of an open discussion on Moody radio last Saturday, May 3,
2014. In it, a single adoptive mother (Julia
Duin) gently and respectfully sparred with Keith MacFarland who believes that single
men and women should not adopt. This is
my response.
There
are many reasons that a family may choose to adopt.
Much of the podcast focused on the idea that a
single-parent home is better than no parent at all. It is tempting to engage in this analysis
given the breath-taking statistics counting the number of orphans in need of
families worldwide (ranging anywhere from 18 million to 170 million). So the argument goes – children need a family
and if no two parent family is available, a single mother is better than
nothing.
This is not why I adopted my children. I didn’t adopt because some altruistic drive
told me that my kiddos would perish without me (although one of them surely
would have) or because I thought I was "better than nothing." No, I adopted my children because I believed then and I still believe now
that I can provide them with a healthy, safe, vibrant, Christian family. God and I had endless discussions about
whether adoption while single was right for me and together, we decided that it
was. It’s that simple.
The argument that any family is better than no
family is a bit of a straw man. The
correct focus should be on the fact that we live in a broken world. There
is no perfect family. My family is
not perfect – far from it! Whether it’s
my tendency to raise my voice or the lack of an in-residence father figure, we
miss the mark. But so does every family I know.
Because we are no longer living in the Garden of Eden, every family falls short. Were it not the case, widows should be
concerned that their children will be ruined (not because of a tragic death but
because they lack one parent). Overweight,
gossiping, adulterous, slandering, angry, pornography viewing men and women
also should not become parents. Because they are not “perfect.” And the staggering divorce rate means that
half of our church members are going to parent alone at some point during the
primary parenting years. This reality is
reflective of the brokenness that permeates all
families. Yours and mine.
Instead
of arguing about whether my family is perfect, I embrace that it is not. And so do my children. We know that we don’t have a dad. {gasp}
We talk about it. We pray about
it as a family. We know that no matter
what the future holds for us, God will provide.
He always does. The healthiest
families I know also embrace their brokenness.
They understand the neurosis that permeates their genealogy or the sins
that have passed from one generation to the next. They speak openly about them, pray about
them, and trust in God. Our family operates
with this same healthy attitude toward our brokenness.
There
are a variety of motives in play when it comes to adopting a child.
Mr. MacFarland suggested during the podcast that
single parents do not have pure motives for adopting and further that only in
the case where a parent is really
called to adopt should they proceed. Ouch.
This one hurt. No one questions the motives
of married parents for expanding their family – only the motives of single parents
are doubted. Why did you (married
couple) have your first child? Was it to
fill a void? Carry on your gene
pool? To allow you to stay home instead
of working outside the home? To make you
happy? And why did you have your fourth
child? Wasn’t three enough? Why did you adopt your second child? These
are questions that the average married couple never face. And yet, somewhere along the way the Church decided
that it is okay to ask these questions of a single woman who chooses to
adopt. I object.
There are many, many reasons that people choose to
grow their families, whether through child-birth or adoption. The fact that we (church) think we need to
weigh in on those motivations, which are really between the parent(s) and the
Lord, is ludicrous. Any family who is
adopting or expanding their family should count the cost. We worship the Lord with our heart, souls,
and minds. (Luke 10:27)
Have you done that? Further, have
we arrived at a place where we believe that even in the face of wrongly
motivated decisions that God could not redeem those decisions? I’m not there. And I hope you’re not either.
Mr. MacFarland allowed that a single person could adopt a child if she was really called by God. Was I “really”
called? I guess. I’m not sure how to answer that
question. I know that the Lord was very
clear throughout my adoptions. He spoke;
I listened. If that means I was called,
then so be it. But who gets to decide
whether another person has been called?
Isn’t that something they will have to take up with their maker at
Judgment Day?
As for me, I had many reasons for adopting and they were
different for each of my children. My
first adoption was born out of a desire to be a parent – a desire which God confirmed would be met through the miracle of
adoption. My daughter (number two) came
to me after God spoke a word in the most unlikely of places, straight to my
heart: “She is your daughter.” Whoa.
While I wrestled with that for weeks (more for health reasons than for
the fact of a second adoption), I know in my heart that God spoke those words
and that He intended Leah for my family. Last, the three of us were a well-functioning
{and healthy, I might add} family unit when my son began to pray, unprompted,
for an older brother. Initially, I
thought he was crazy and believed that there was one more, younger child for
our family. Instead, Seth was right and his big brother came to us through more
miraculous, God-ordained moments.
Were my motivations pure? Was I called?
I’m not sure what that means or who gets to decide, but I don’t
believe that my motives were all that different than most parents who seek to
grow their family: love.
Let’s
stop making decisions for people that should be left up to the guidance of the
Holy Spirit.
Last, it’s a bit ironic that the podcast ends with
the host admonishing listeners as follows: “We do need to look to scripture for our Biblical model
of care . . . the best family that God intended from the beginning includes one
mother and one father.” The irony stems
from the fact that not once – in a fifty minute discussion – did the host or
either participant mention scripture in defending their position. The most that was said is that “God created
Adam and Eve.” Never discussed was James
1:27 instructing all believers to
care for widows and orphans. Moreover,
where scripture is silent on an issue (as it is on single parenting) believers are guided by the wisdom of the Holy Spirit. John 14:26; John 16:13.
Our
blanket statements can cause more harm than good.
The
Bible is full of people who minister from broken places. Whether it was Ruth (the widow) or King David
(adulterer with multiple wives) or Bathsheba (King David’s mistress) or Tamar
(the widow prostitute) or Abraham, Moses and Jacob (each polygamists) or a host
of others in Jesus’ genealogy, our
Father in heaven is notorious for using humans in their brokenness.
I worry that in our haste to make public
proclamations about our “stance” on single-parent adoption we are inadvertently
{or ignorantly} sending a message to millions of women around the world. The message is this: Your families are not healthy. You are not enough. Although you are trying, you will never
measure up to a two family home. You are
deficient and need a man to be legitimate.
This pains me.
Instead of worrying about the decisions of others {that might actually result
in a child living within a loving family} the church
ought to be spending its time working on supporting single mothers in their
community whether they came to that life position by choice or by circumstance. Rather than standing in judgment of their
family, we have an opportunity to love and provide male (and female) role
models. We can be the village that so
many children (single parented or not) need from the church. Instead of casting the first stone (John 8:7),
let’s support those women who are putting their hope and trust firmly in the
Word where it states, “A father to the
fatherless, a defender of widows, is God
in His holy dwelling.” Psalm 68:5. Amen?
