Should Singles Adopt?

Earlier this week I listened to a podcast about whether single people (most assuredly focused on single women) should adopt children who need a family.  The podcast was a replay of an open discussion on Moody radio last Saturday, May 3, 2014.  In it, a single adoptive mother (Julia Duin) gently and respectfully sparred with Keith MacFarland who believes that single men and women should not adopt.  This is my response.

There are many reasons that a family may choose to adopt.

Much of the podcast focused on the idea that a single-parent home is better than no parent at all.  It is tempting to engage in this analysis given the breath-taking statistics counting the number of orphans in need of families worldwide (ranging anywhere from 18 million to 170 million).  So the argument goes – children need a family and if no two parent family is available, a single mother is better than nothing. 

This is not why I adopted my children.  I didn’t adopt because some altruistic drive told me that my kiddos would perish without me (although one of them surely would have) or because I thought I was "better than nothing."  No, I adopted my children because I believed then and I still believe now that I can provide them with a healthy, safe, vibrant, Christian family.  God and I had endless discussions about whether adoption while single was right for me and together, we decided that it was.  It’s that simple. 

The argument that any family is better than no family is a bit of a straw man.  The correct focus should be on the fact that we live in a broken world.  There is no perfect family.  My family is not perfect – far from it!  Whether it’s my tendency to raise my voice or the lack of an in-residence father figure, we miss the mark.  But so does every family I know.  Because we are no longer living in the Garden of Eden, every family falls short.  Were it not the case, widows should be concerned that their children will be ruined (not because of a tragic death but because they lack one parent).  Overweight, gossiping, adulterous, slandering, angry, pornography viewing men and women also should not become parents.  Because they are not “perfect.”  And the staggering divorce rate means that half of our church members are going to parent alone at some point during the primary parenting years.  This reality is reflective of the brokenness that permeates all families.  Yours and mine. 

Instead of arguing about whether my family is perfect, I embrace that it is not.  And so do my children.  We know that we don’t have a dad.  {gasp}  We talk about it.  We pray about it as a family.  We know that no matter what the future holds for us, God will provide.  He always does.  The healthiest families I know also embrace their brokenness.  They understand the neurosis that permeates their genealogy or the sins that have passed from one generation to the next.  They speak openly about them, pray about them, and trust in God.  Our family operates with this same healthy attitude toward our brokenness.

There are a variety of motives in play when it comes to adopting a child.

Mr. MacFarland suggested during the podcast that single parents do not have pure motives for adopting and further that only in the case where a parent is really called to adopt should they proceed.  Ouch.  This one hurt.  No one questions the motives of married parents for expanding their family – only the motives of single parents are doubted.  Why did you (married couple) have your first child?  Was it to fill a void?  Carry on your gene pool?  To allow you to stay home instead of working outside the home?  To make you happy?  And why did you have your fourth child?  Wasn’t three enough?  Why did you adopt your second child?  These are questions that the average married couple never face.  And yet, somewhere along the way the Church decided that it is okay to ask these questions of a single woman who chooses to adopt.  I object.

There are many, many reasons that people choose to grow their families, whether through child-birth or adoption.  The fact that we (church) think we need to weigh in on those motivations, which are really between the parent(s) and the Lord, is ludicrous.  Any family who is adopting or expanding their family should count the cost.  We worship the Lord with our heart, souls, and minds.  (Luke 10:27)  Have you done that?  Further, have we arrived at a place where we believe that even in the face of wrongly motivated decisions that God could not redeem those decisions?  I’m not there.  And I hope you’re not either. 

Mr. MacFarland allowed that a single person could adopt a child if she was really called by God.  Was I “really” called?  I guess.  I’m not sure how to answer that question.  I know that the Lord was very clear throughout my adoptions.  He spoke; I listened.  If that means I was called, then so be it.  But who gets to decide whether another person has been called?  Isn’t that something they will have to take up with their maker at Judgment Day? 

As for me, I had many reasons for adopting and they were different for each of my children.  My first adoption was born out of a desire to be a parent – a desire which God confirmed would be met through the miracle of adoption.  My daughter (number two) came to me after God spoke a word in the most unlikely of places, straight to my heart:  “She is your daughter.”  Whoa.  While I wrestled with that for weeks (more for health reasons than for the fact of a second adoption), I know in my heart that God spoke those words and that He intended Leah for my family.  Last, the three of us were a well-functioning {and healthy, I might add} family unit when my son began to pray, unprompted, for an older brother.  Initially, I thought he was crazy and believed that there was one more, younger child for our family.  Instead, Seth was right and his big brother came to us through more miraculous, God-ordained moments. 

Were my motivations pure?  Was I called?  I’m not sure what that means or who gets to decide, but I don’t believe that my motives were all that different than most parents who seek to grow their family:  love.

Let’s stop making decisions for people that should be left up to the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Last, it’s a bit ironic that the podcast ends with the host admonishing listeners as follows:  “We do need to look to scripture for our Biblical model of care . . . the best family that God intended from the beginning includes one mother and one father.”  The irony stems from the fact that not once – in a fifty minute discussion – did the host or either participant mention scripture in defending their position.  The most that was said is that “God created Adam and Eve.”  Never discussed was James 1:27 instructing all believers to care for widows and orphans.  Moreover, where scripture is silent on an issue (as it is on single parenting) believers are guided by the wisdom of the Holy Spirit.  John 14:26; John 16:13.

Our blanket statements can cause more harm than good.

The Bible is full of people who minister from broken places.  Whether it was Ruth (the widow) or King David (adulterer with multiple wives) or Bathsheba (King David’s mistress) or Tamar (the widow prostitute) or Abraham, Moses and Jacob (each polygamists) or a host of others in Jesus’ genealogy, our Father in heaven is notorious for using humans in their brokenness. 

I worry that in our haste to make public proclamations about our “stance” on single-parent adoption we are inadvertently {or ignorantly} sending a message to millions of women around the world.  The message is this:  Your families are not healthy.  You are not enough.  Although you are trying, you will never measure up to a two family home.  You are deficient and need a man to be legitimate. 

This pains me.  Instead of worrying about the decisions of others {that might actually result in a child living within a loving family} the church ought to be spending its time working on supporting single mothers in their community whether they came to that life position by choice or by circumstance.  Rather than standing in judgment of their family, we have an opportunity to love and provide male (and female) role models.  We can be the village that so many children (single parented or not) need from the church.  Instead of casting the first stone (John 8:7), let’s support those women who are putting their hope and trust firmly in the Word where it states, “A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in His holy dwelling.”  Psalm 68:5.  Amen?