Disappointment with God

How do we understand disappointment, particularly when it relates to those things for which we have repeatedly petitioned God? As someone has said, disappointment happens when our expectations are not met by our experiences. That has happened to me in this life and it's hard. I have a friend who is with me on this journey, both of us trying to understand God and His divine providence for our lives, even through disappointment. Neither of us understand it (most days) but we are trying!

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I have been praying for a husband for a long time now. Years. Decades, honestly. (It is hard to see that in writing!) And God has repeatedly said no. I guess more accurately, He has repeatedly not answered, "Yes." I have dated many wonderful men, any one of which I would have been blessed to call my husband. But for one reason or another, it hasn't happened. At some point, this kind of repeated whipping causes me to ask myself, "What is my sin? What did I do wrong? What am I doing wrong that is keeping me from this thing I want so much?" My friend is experiencing the same thing in her life, in a completely different area, and we were recently reflecting on how hard it is to wonder what the lesson is or wonder why God isn't answering our repeated petitions.

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Our conversation set me off on a path to find the answer. While I'm not sure I found any, I did find some thoughts: I first thought of Job. Job was a man of God -- second to none, scripture says. And yet, God allowed him to be tested beyond what any of us believe we could endure. He lost his family, his wealth, his health, and everything that was familiar to him. All of it. Can you imagine? Can you even allow yourself to "go there" mentally? I don't think I can. So my first observation is this: Is being single and being a single mom really the "worst" thing that could happen to me? Is _____ the "worst" thing that could happen to you? Um, no. In the face of eternity, it's not bad at all. And for me, with all of the difficult marriage relationships in this world (50% ending in divorce -- even in the church), singleness begins to look less bad and more palatable. And yet, there are those times, when the loneliness or longing is overwhelming, and I wish for that "other person" to be around, to comfort me or challenge me or cry with me, laugh with me, BE with me. S0 how do I deal with that disappointment? Where do I put that? My second thought is that God did not promise us that we would have an easy life or that we would "get" what we want all of the time. He simply didn't. He did promise us that he would love us and be with us and never leave us and prepare a place for us. But not that this thing called life would be easy or even "fun." ..................................

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I started writing this post last week as I was feeling the weight of disappointment, again. And then I went on a retreat to meet with Jesus. It turns out that the retreat spent a lot of time examining the burdens we carry. I carry some. Do you? One of my burdens is disappointment about being single. Really, disappointment with God. As I've said, I'm just not sure where to put that.

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I learned something this weekend. I learned that the answer to my disappointment is in God's Word. Duh. I should have known that. No, the answer is not, "I'll give you what you want" or even "I'll take the disappointment away." God could do that, but often He doesn't. So what does disappointment (with God) mean in the face of scripture that says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."? Hmm. We often use that verse to sound like this: If I love God enough, He will give me whatever I want. Not so.

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Maybe that scripture really means that as we delight in God, our desires become His. Holiness. Purity. Truth. Discipline. Mercy. Grace. Hope. And, yes. YES. Caring for orphans. Maybe as we draw closer to God, we begin to wear His heart. As I've blogged before, I don't know that God really cares whether I'm married or not. He cares about my brokenness over this issue because He loves me. But His priority is how I can be used for His kingdom. His heart. Not mine. More of YOU less of me.

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Shouldn't those things that make up God's heart really be the desires of our heart? Is there anything else that matters? Marriage is good. Marriage is highly esteemed and God ordained. Biblically. But marriage is not a mecca. It is not the end all. It is not above my relationship with God. It isn't equal -- not even close.

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God taught me that there are higher things for me to seek after in this life, which things are way more important than my marital status. But God did make me some promises in scripture and I need to hold onto those. Like His love for me. I am a child of God. Full stop. I'm awesome. Did you know that? :) I am fearfully and wonderfully made -- just like Seth. I've said before that I adore Seth with all of his glorious and sometimes painful issues. I adore him. He's perfect. And the same goes for me as far as God is concerned. He adores me. With all of my glorious and sometimes frustrating and silly emotions. With my height (all of it), my imperfections, and all of my junk. I rock! And I know this because God told me when I met with Jesus this weekend. I am a child of God. Amen!!
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So coming out of this weekend, I am making the choice to listen and believe the Voice of Truth and not what the world says about me (not good enough to be married), my family (incomplete without a husband and daddy) or my life (too chaotic). Period. I am enough and I am a perfect child of God, made in His image. Buh-bye burden!

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Heavenly Father, allow this weekend to seep deeply into my soul and take root. Help me to hold onto the Truth that You showed me, remember it, and celebrate it. Help me to remain free. I love you, Lord Jesus. Thank you for meeting me and blessing me and holding me and teaching me. Amen.

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"I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!" John 33:16.