Unplugged

Ok, so I think my blog has been a teensy weensy little bit confusing lately. That's because confusion is confusing! (What's it called when you define a word with the same word???) Let me try to break it down for you.

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I want to adopt another child. Well, more precisely, I want to adopt more children. Plain and simple. I believe that God has given me the heart and the means to do it. And I happily oblige! But (I hate that word) since I've started the process this second time around, I have been troubled by some whisperings from God, I think. The whisperings seem to be saying "no" or at minimum, "Not yet." I have resisted saying that on this blog because it's a very hard thing for me to face much less write and share with my friends. I don't like being told no, especially when it comes to something that my heart longs for. In this case, more children.

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In trying to figure out what I am hearing, and what I'm not, I have been examining some of my own fears and hesitations related to this adoption. And I've written about those. Your comments and emails to me in response have spoken to my heart and have encouraged me beyond belief! There were moments, upon reading your thoughts, that I felt cleared up to proceed and so, in response, I sent my profile to Adoption Link and took the next steps. But (there it is again) then, in the quiet times between God and me, I feel something that just isn't right. It is hard for me to find words for it, but God is speaking and, in short, I don't have a green light.

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That makes me very sad. The irony is that some of your encouragement helped me to listen to God's voice. Katie said that deep down we know the leap of faith we need to take. And when I read that, I knew. She was right. Not what she was thinking she said to me, but another leap of faith. A leap to wait. Many of my identified, human hesitations are resolved. Amen! But that still small voice whispers on . . . . .

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To be clear, I don't know what this means in the long run. Does it mean no second child? Does it mean "not right now"? Is it "no" for a month? Is it "no" for a year? Could it be my own anxiety getting in the way of the decision? Could it be the enemy messing with me? I have no earthly idea. What I do know is that like Seth in the puddle, God is telling me "no" for a reason I can't see yet. Therefore, I've asked Noreen to put my profile on hold until I call her because if I know anything, it's that I'm going to need God to say GO for me to be completely right with this decision.

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And I'm sad.

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Here I am again, Lord. Relying on You to lead me. Please show me the way. Show me Your way. And Lord, when the time is right, whether it's next week or next year, please bless my family with another one of your precious children. And just so you know, next week would be good with me. God, give me the green light and make it as clear as the sun. Amen.