Doubts

I think doubts are a part of life. At least for me they are. They come and they go but they are never totally gone. I don’t mean the normal questions that we all have that cannot be answered this side of glory (like "why do so many orphan children have to live without parents??"), but rather doubts. Doubts like, does God love me? Am I a good mother? Does God care about the little stuff? Should I be adopting again? These are all things that I have “answers” to (right ones, I believe), but the doubting sometimes gets in the way of living in full glory of knowing these things deep in my soul. Does God love me? Yes. His Word says so. I sang about it as a child and now sing to Seth the same…. But then God seems distant or absent and I wonder whether it’s all real. Am I a good mother? I think so. I hope so. But then I raise my voice or lose my patience and I wonder if I really am a good mommy and whether I’m enough for this precious boy I’m raising. Does God care about the little stuff? He certainly seems to when I pray for provision and He answers in the most direct and personal ways. Or when our missionaries see answers to the prayers of orphans and the poor. But then God doesn’t take away my pain or my loss and I wonder whether he does care about the minutia or rather only the big stuff like whether I’m saved and how my walk with Him is progressing. Should I be adopting again? I believe it's God’s call on my life; that’s why I’m doing it. But then the fears and doubts about being single forever scream loudly in my ears and I can’t hear God over the deafening roar of doubt.

I wish I had a solution to doubt. It often results in calls to my own Village of Encouragement to talk to me about what’s on my mind and how “normal” it all is and how God is moving me and changing me. But none of my peeps have any answers either. Rene has been searching for her magic answer box for years, and it’s still missing. :-)

The sometimes harsh reality is that a lot of life doesn’t make sense. As one of my mentors put it, this life is messy . . . for everyone. That’s why we all long for heaven. Or at least that’s why I do. No, I’m not wishing this life away. I’m having a ball and absolutely love raising Seth and pray that God would entrust more of His precious children to me, if it’s His will. But honestly, this world doesn’t make sense more than it does, and my over analytical brain longs for answers!