Children's Museum

My cousin Brynn was in town with Noelle and George and we got to go to the Naperville Children's Museum! Yahoo!

I played this with Grandma:

And very much liked this contraption that shot out fuzzy balls.

Loved it!

Papa and I crawled through this great tunnel.

And I played with Ruben too!

What a great day!

God Speaks

A few weeks ago, one of my dear friends said to me, of some of my recent blogs, "I envy your prayer life" or something along those lines. My first thought was to laugh and confess that I too envy my current prayer life! It isn't usually this way. I have too often in my life become one of those "pop corn" prayers kind of girls who shoots up praises and requests all day long without a sustained period of prayer time with my Lord. My sinfulness gets in the way of worship of my Savior. Ugh!

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For the last several months, it has been different. And God has been different. I pray; He speaks. Literally. It is almost eerie it has become so real to me. I expect it now . . . listen for it differently . . . expect a miracle. There have probably been only two other times in my 40 years of living where I felt that same deep connection with God where we had a daily ongoing dialogue -- in both directions. It's my fault, I believe, because God is always there listening and waiting for that conversation. I fail to meet Him in His holy place. (sigh) That's disappointing!

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Friday night, I met with God again. This time, I was in the middle of my Epsom bath soak (doctor's orders--ha) and began to pray for complete healing. God and I talked about it for a while. And then God brought to mind those healings performed by Jesus while he was here on earth. "Remember," God said to me, "People were healed by Jesus just by touching the hem of his cloak. Touch me, and be healed." It was interesting that came to my mind. I had never really thought about what a modern day healing looks like or how it might happen but there, in my relaxation, God said, "Touch me." Hmm.

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After I was done, I was re-energized. I bolted up, threw on my jammies (ah...) and went downstairs. I put on some praise music and turned it up loud, and I worshipped. I sang and I danced and I threw my hands up to the Lord, worshipping. When is the last time I did that? Um, never. I'm too inhibited to worship like that. I'm too staid to worship like that, even alone. But Friday, in the privacy of my home, with my hands held high, heart open wide, and a reckless abandon that could only be called supernatural, I touched Jesus. And I'm believing Him for the miracle of healing. Now.

Wait and See

I think flying time is a great time to pray. The hum of the plane drowns out most of the background noise and I can focus on something other than a two year old, ringing phones, blackberry messages, or TV. Ah, peace.

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On my trip to Minnesota this week, I prayed going both ways for the short one-hour flight. On the way up, I prayed through my "usual" list of things that God and I like to talk about. On the way back, I prayed for healing for my silly body. Total health! But it was the prayers on the way up that got me scratching my head this week.

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I was praying for a Godly man for Seth and me. My husband and his daddy. Not a new prayer. As I was praying, I felt like God was saying that he (my hubby) is coming and soon. Hmm. That's strange, I thought. Probably just my mind getting in the way of hearing the Lord. I prayed on but the moment didn't pass. Instead, it got stronger. So I asked God, "Why do I feel like you're telling me that my husband is coming?". And I waited. Just like that night two months ago when God sent a flashing neon sign (not literally) to get me into Seth's room to pray for him, God said to me: "Wait and see". What Lord? "Wait and see," He said again.

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Oooh that made me excited. :) I have no real idea what it means -- it's not as if He said, "Yes, he's coming soon and it will be this year and his name will be ___." [That would be nice, eh?] And I have precisely zero prospects on the horizon. But we worship a big God who can do anything! So I felt myself get a little excited. Do I know him already? Will I meet him tomorrow? Will we like each other immediately? Where does he live? What does he look like? So pray with me, if you're led, that this Word wasn't my imagination and that God was making clear His plan for Seth and me: a Godly man to lovingly lead our home. Go God!

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"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jer. 29:11-13

What's in a name?

Between September and Seth's arrival in November, we (my family and I) were in the great debate about his name. In fact, the debate started in Mexico with Julie. (Boy did Jules and I have some fun with that debate!) I wanted a Biblical name and one that's not overly used. So while I love love love the name Jacob, it wasn't going to happen. (Sorry all you Jakes out there!). My favorite name (in full) was Zechariah Louis Steiner. I like Zechariah still today. And Louis..... Well, my middle name is Louise and it seemed like a nice variation on my awful name. Ha. The problem there is, I'm not a fan of Zach. (Sorry, again. For the record, Deborah isn't on my short list either....) So, if I ever have a Zechariah, please call him by his full name or "Z" but not Zach. :-)

Anyway, we talked about Isaac and Isaiah and Caleb and a lot of other primarily Old Testament names. It was my sister that brought up Seth. At first, I wasn't a fan. But then a quick google search confirmed it's not one of the trendy names and I started to consider it. Hmmm. Seth Steiner doesn't flow perfectly (kind of a tongue twister) but the name started growing on me.

On November 15 when Noreen called me to tell me the baby was born, she also told me that Grace named him -- something I was prepared for. She named him Camron (note spelling). "Okay," I thought, "let's see if we can work with that." Zechariah Cameron? Um, no. Seth Cameron. Hmmm. Nice name. Very nice. Seth Cameron Steiner. That's it! Love it! So as a tribute to our dear birth mom Grace, Seth has the middle name that sounds like her given name (Camron vs Cameron) and the Biblical name first. Seth means appointed one. Ah. Perfect. Adopted by me and God, appointed for a purpose. Can't wait to see what that is!

I never thought I would have a son named Seth and I do. My perfectly joyful crazy man Seth Cameron. Oh how I adore him!!

My sister

For the record, here in front of everyone, I adore my sister, Lisa. She is awesome and I'm not sure she will ever really know how much I look up to her, admire her, respect her and, yes, envy her. So when I shared about my adoption and I could tell she was unsettled about it, that was hard.

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When we finally had the chance to talk, after I was already into the process of things, I was able to hear Lisa's questions and not feel threatened or attacked by them. Her primary question was this: God has not given you a husband. True. Can't argue with that. :-) Do you think that by adopting without a husband you are forcing God's will toward what you want rather than waiting on Him? Good question. And we had a great conversation about it, although I can't now remember the specifics of everything we discussed. Ha. But here is what I think now and I've written about this before.

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I believe God has not made us robots. He has given us free will, a mind, and allows us real choice. I also think that the belief behind Lisa's question can lead to a slippery slope that she doesn't intend like this: if you believe God is going to heal you, why do you see the doctor? Or, if you're not able to get pregnant, why are you using fertility drugs? Or, why are you using birth control? Or, why are you doing on-line dating when God could bring "the man" to your door? That thinking leads to a passive Christian life of waiting for things to happen to you rather than fully embracing faith-filled freedom in Christ. That's not the life I want to live. Further, God commands us to care for widows and orphans, and I'm all about that!

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Don't get me wrong. I think there is an opposite slippery slope to be heeded and it looks like this: as long as it isn't prohibited in scripture, I can do whatever I want. So I'm going to adopt ten kids on my own and ignore any Godly wisdom that might be shared with me. Um, danger danger!! I think what made my conversation with Lisa so beautiful and the reason why the specifics of it don't matter is that we got to hear each other's heart. I heard her pain over my pain of not having the spouse I desired, and her wisdom about waiting on the Lord. And she heard me sharing that the adoption option was not a flippant decision on my part to fill some kind of purported void. But was a call and spirit led and God ordained and carefully planned. Something she could stand behind. So by the time the call was over, I think she was on board.

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Now, she's even more on board, I think, and oh how Seth loves his Aunt eee-sah!!! So does his mama. :-)

The Miracle of Adoption

There are a couple of things about adoption that I find particularly challenging. Nothing to do with Seth or how I feel about Seth, but more how society wants to view us. Or the box they want to throw us in.

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It is not uncommon for me to be asked by a stranger (most of my friends know better) whether I hope to have children "of my own" one day. Um, I do have a child of my own. His name is Seth, he's standing right in front of you, and he isn't deaf! "How rude," I think to myself. And yet, I smile and say something like, "Seth is my own" or "Are you asking whether I'd like biological children?" Or I ignore them entirely. Depends on my mood, I guess.

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See, the miracle of adoption is that Seth is 100 % mine. All in. Bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh. I remember my mom telling me many times growing up that she had created birth stories for my brothers, in her mind. And David was adopted when he was two and a half years old! I get that now. I had a gestation period with Seth. I loved him before he was born. I loved him the moment I saw him. He is "my own".

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It also amazes me how your life becomes everyone else's business when you adopt -- at least in a conspicuous family like ours. Strangers are regularly trying to figure us out. Am I married to an African-American man? Is Seth biracial? (He is, by the way). This results in interesting comments from strangers like "he has your mouth" or other things designed (I think) to elicit an explanation from me. They generally don't get one. Sometimes they get a "Oh, do you think so?" Or, when I'm feeling sassy, "He has his dad's eyes" (hee hee) or a polite smile. But I feel no obligation to share Seth's story with a stranger. It is his and mine to share with those we love and trust. Period.

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So in case you're wondering, Seth is my own. :-) He is my son -- not my "adopted son." He is bone of my bone. And yes. Sometimes I hope to have biological children but most days I'm quite content that adoption was my first and maybe my last choice. Because there is nothing better than being a mama -- however that comes about.

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"Her children rise up and call her blessed." Prov. 31:28

Divine Appointments

I'm in Minnesota. For work (bleh). On the short flight up here, I wrote four blog posts. Work out for my thumbs!! Ha ha. And now, I'm in the hotel room with one more to go. :)

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So I got off the plane and into a cab. I quickly learned that my driver was very friendly and had a thick accent. I too was feeling friendly. (Unusual. You may not know I'm kind of shy and prefer writing here to talking!). Anyway, I asked the driver where he was born. (I learned the hard way years ago not to ask "where are you from?" because, um, the answer is Minneapolis as much as it is Chicago for me!). "Ethiopia," answered the driver. Ahhh. Now we have something to discuss!

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I asked him when he came to the states, if he had returned to Ethiopia since moving here, and what he thought about America. He was very open, so I went for it: "what do you think about adoptions from Ethiopia?" No hesitation. "I think it's great," he said. "The one concern I have is that the children might lose a connection with their home country." I told him I believed that adoptive families I knew were interested in preserving that culture for their kids. He loved that. We had a great discussion!

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Then we turned to the church. He was Presbyterian and now Lutheran and it was clear how important his faith is to him. Clear because he made it clear. And I made it equally clear. We talked about the church and how we've all gone astray and how there is only one thing that really matters: a personal relationship with Christ.

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What a gift to me on a dreaded work trip -- A God connection between two strangers who showed just a little bit of love for each other in a 20 minute ride from the airport. Isn't God cool?

Seth's Journey Home

I thought it might be fun to do a little bit of remembering about my journey to Seth. So in this post, journey with me as I remember God's total and complete faithfulness to my call. Praise God!

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In 2006, I started praying about an urging I felt to adopt. I have known from a young age that I wanted to adopt -- my brothers are adopted, God commands it, and it is somewhere in the fabric of my being. I never believed I would do it alone. That wasn't part of my paradigm of thinking. My good friend, mentor and colleague, Z, had adopted her daughter as a single mom and she mentioned to me repeatedly over the years that I should do the same. Um, no. I was "sure" that wasn't in God's plan for me. (Funny how God works over our hearts....)

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So in 2006 when the whisperings started to get louder, I decided to pray about it for a while -- alone. I didn't want the voices, opinions, beliefs and thoughts of my Village to cloud what I was trying to discern. I didn't tell anyone, not even mom. I prayed and read books and searched the Internet and battled some conflicting emotions of my own. In the fall, I decided it was time to let the cat out of the bag and I talked to my family about it. By this time, I believed I was headed down the road to a baby, but I still wasn't 100% sure.

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I remember Christmas 2006 because it was then that my parents started asking the "hard" questions that I needed to consider. (Not that I hadn't asked myself already at that point). We had some good conversations about when and where from and age and race and singleness. The conversations helped me to feel my growing conviction about what I was called to do. But my sister was silent..... hmmm.

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In January, before I even applied, I signed up for a one day workshop on adoption to "try it on" and see how it felt. My friend Laura attended with me which was great for processing later. And I prayed on. Later that month, my sister and I talked, even as I was making personal calls to my friends to tell them the exciting news and get them praying! I respect my big sister so much for the hard things that she asked me during that call. (Look for a post on that down the road). It wasn't easy to hear some of her questions and doubts about my chosen course, but it was a growing time for me and maybe even her. :)

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By March, I was ready to run. I submitted my application to Adoption Link, Oak Park, on March 28, 2007. Yippee! Shortly after that, my home study started with Beth, who was wonderful and made the process easy. I was so stoked that every step went lightening fast. I filled out paperwork they left with me same day and would get it back to them pronto. By June, the home study was done and in July, I got my foster care license from DCFS.

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Then, the wait -- or so I thought. Noreen (birth mother coordinator) started showing my profile to birth mothers in August -- about mid-August as memory serves. At that point, I thought it could be a year until baby came home, but nevertheless, out of an abundance of caution, I informed my firm that I was seeking to adopt. (Good thing....)

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In September, Julie, Holt and I headed to my parent's time share in Mexico. I will never forget that trip! Here's a story of God's provision to last a lifetime:

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In the years preceding 2006, I dated a guy who I loved very much. And he loved me. But for reasons that aren't important to Seth's story, it didn't work out. It was very painful at the time. Now I call it God's providence. Anyway, this man and I had long since moved on prior to this trip to Mexico, but my heart still sang for him sometimes, in the lonely moments. On September 17, while in Mexico, I got an email from him to my work account (on blackberry) telling me to check my Yahoo! account. And I knew. I knew that he was moving on in a more permanent way and getting married. I quickly dialed my sister in Maryland so she could check my personal account, not available on my blackberry. As she logged in, I told her what she was about to see and she expressed some doubt about it. Um, not so much. Sure enough, "Deb, I'm getting married" was there in his email. (Deep sigh). Okay. I thanked my sister and headed out to the beach on a walk.

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I remember crying out to God during that walk. I remember pleading with Him that He had a better plan for my life. I remember asking Him to heal my heart and let "him" go. I remember shedding just a few tears. It was around 10 in the morning when I got the email. Julie and Hold were off on "married time" and I was alone.

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After a short walk, I headed back upstairs, determined within myself to send him a congratulatory email and mean it. I popped my blackberry on and was shocked to see an email from Noreen waiting for me. It's too good not to share:

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"Deb, Guess what? Grace and her mother, Janet picked you to be the adoptive mom!!! Is this exciting or what???? I will forward this to Beth too!!! Call me . . . . Take Care, Noreen."

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Ahh! As soon as I saw the email, the tears started, and they didn't stop. I quickly called Noreen and got the details. Grace (birth mom) was due with a boy (they don't often know the sex) in just six weeks and would I accept the referral?!?!?! I soaked in as much as I could and called my sister. I was hysterical. She answered the phone and I could tell she was immediately worried (because of our last call). That evaporated quickly. "I'M HAVING A BABY!" I shrieked. And we cried together.

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Enter Julie and Holt. Literally. As I'm sitting in a heap on the floor of the condo, with my phone to my ear, my blackberry in my hand, and endless streams of tears falling, Julie walked in. The look of terror on her face was priceless (sorry Jules). She ran to me and all I could say was, "He's getting married and I'm having a baby!" Um, what?!? I screamed it again and it sunk in for Julie who immediately started calling me, "Mama." Oh what joy filled my heart and soul.

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See, here's the thing. I don't believe in coincidences. Nope. I believe God divinely orchestrated a hard moment followed by the best thing I'd ever experienced in my life to date. God gave me my heart's desire and I sang. Loudly. And for the rest of the week (it was only Monday) we celebrated!! My "last" vacation as a single woman and my first vacation as a mom. Yippee!! Needless to say, I spent a lot of money the rest of the week, calling all of my Village from Mexico to happily tell them in person of my wonderful news.

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And a couple of months later, this email went out from me on Thursday morning:

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"Hi friends. A bouncing baby boy was born last night, November 14, at 9:47 p.m. He weighed in at 6 pounds 13 ounces and is pleased as punch to be here. :-) If all goes as planned, he comes home on Sunday. I'm thrilled and humbled and too excited to work!! I will send news on Sunday about the name and how stinkin' adorable he is. Love, Deb"

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And the rest is history. Except for that he came home Friday because Grace insisted that I take him directly rather than waiting for the 72 hour wait period. Oh how I am eternally grateful for and love Grace and Janet.

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Praise Him!! "My soul, my soul, magnifies the Lord, my soul, magnifies the Lord! He has done great things, great things for ME!!!"

Disappointment with God

How do we understand disappointment, particularly when it relates to those things for which we have repeatedly petitioned God? As someone has said, disappointment happens when our expectations are not met by our experiences. That has happened to me in this life and it's hard. I have a friend who is with me on this journey, both of us trying to understand God and His divine providence for our lives, even through disappointment. Neither of us understand it (most days) but we are trying!

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I have been praying for a husband for a long time now. Years. Decades, honestly. (It is hard to see that in writing!) And God has repeatedly said no. I guess more accurately, He has repeatedly not answered, "Yes." I have dated many wonderful men, any one of which I would have been blessed to call my husband. But for one reason or another, it hasn't happened. At some point, this kind of repeated whipping causes me to ask myself, "What is my sin? What did I do wrong? What am I doing wrong that is keeping me from this thing I want so much?" My friend is experiencing the same thing in her life, in a completely different area, and we were recently reflecting on how hard it is to wonder what the lesson is or wonder why God isn't answering our repeated petitions.

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Our conversation set me off on a path to find the answer. While I'm not sure I found any, I did find some thoughts: I first thought of Job. Job was a man of God -- second to none, scripture says. And yet, God allowed him to be tested beyond what any of us believe we could endure. He lost his family, his wealth, his health, and everything that was familiar to him. All of it. Can you imagine? Can you even allow yourself to "go there" mentally? I don't think I can. So my first observation is this: Is being single and being a single mom really the "worst" thing that could happen to me? Is _____ the "worst" thing that could happen to you? Um, no. In the face of eternity, it's not bad at all. And for me, with all of the difficult marriage relationships in this world (50% ending in divorce -- even in the church), singleness begins to look less bad and more palatable. And yet, there are those times, when the loneliness or longing is overwhelming, and I wish for that "other person" to be around, to comfort me or challenge me or cry with me, laugh with me, BE with me. S0 how do I deal with that disappointment? Where do I put that? My second thought is that God did not promise us that we would have an easy life or that we would "get" what we want all of the time. He simply didn't. He did promise us that he would love us and be with us and never leave us and prepare a place for us. But not that this thing called life would be easy or even "fun." ..................................

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I started writing this post last week as I was feeling the weight of disappointment, again. And then I went on a retreat to meet with Jesus. It turns out that the retreat spent a lot of time examining the burdens we carry. I carry some. Do you? One of my burdens is disappointment about being single. Really, disappointment with God. As I've said, I'm just not sure where to put that.

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I learned something this weekend. I learned that the answer to my disappointment is in God's Word. Duh. I should have known that. No, the answer is not, "I'll give you what you want" or even "I'll take the disappointment away." God could do that, but often He doesn't. So what does disappointment (with God) mean in the face of scripture that says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."? Hmm. We often use that verse to sound like this: If I love God enough, He will give me whatever I want. Not so.

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Maybe that scripture really means that as we delight in God, our desires become His. Holiness. Purity. Truth. Discipline. Mercy. Grace. Hope. And, yes. YES. Caring for orphans. Maybe as we draw closer to God, we begin to wear His heart. As I've blogged before, I don't know that God really cares whether I'm married or not. He cares about my brokenness over this issue because He loves me. But His priority is how I can be used for His kingdom. His heart. Not mine. More of YOU less of me.

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Shouldn't those things that make up God's heart really be the desires of our heart? Is there anything else that matters? Marriage is good. Marriage is highly esteemed and God ordained. Biblically. But marriage is not a mecca. It is not the end all. It is not above my relationship with God. It isn't equal -- not even close.

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God taught me that there are higher things for me to seek after in this life, which things are way more important than my marital status. But God did make me some promises in scripture and I need to hold onto those. Like His love for me. I am a child of God. Full stop. I'm awesome. Did you know that? :) I am fearfully and wonderfully made -- just like Seth. I've said before that I adore Seth with all of his glorious and sometimes painful issues. I adore him. He's perfect. And the same goes for me as far as God is concerned. He adores me. With all of my glorious and sometimes frustrating and silly emotions. With my height (all of it), my imperfections, and all of my junk. I rock! And I know this because God told me when I met with Jesus this weekend. I am a child of God. Amen!!
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So coming out of this weekend, I am making the choice to listen and believe the Voice of Truth and not what the world says about me (not good enough to be married), my family (incomplete without a husband and daddy) or my life (too chaotic). Period. I am enough and I am a perfect child of God, made in His image. Buh-bye burden!

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Heavenly Father, allow this weekend to seep deeply into my soul and take root. Help me to hold onto the Truth that You showed me, remember it, and celebrate it. Help me to remain free. I love you, Lord Jesus. Thank you for meeting me and blessing me and holding me and teaching me. Amen.

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"I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!" John 33:16.

Honesty

Apparently Tiger Woods broke his marriage vows. Repeatedly. And the world is fascinated by this news, which initially perplexed me a little. It's not as if Tiger is the first celebrity, sports hero, or famous person to cheat. Far from it. The list is long but includes names familiar to all of us. So why is everyone so fixated on Tiger's cheating ways? I have a theory.

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There are few things that stir the heart more than dishonesty. Well, there are few things that stir MY heart more. I don't think I expect a lot out of people but I DO expect honesty, decency, and some level of transparency if you're going to be in a "real" relationship with me. Don't tell me one thing and do another. Don't lead me to believe you are someone you aren't. Don't deceive me or yourself. And certainly don't lie to me. Please. I don't feel like that's too much to ask.

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I think people are wrapped up in Tiger's story precisely because he represented himself to be something that he is not. To the world, he was a moral, decent, honest, family man who would "never" engage in the behavior that now makes him infamous. It's the disparity that is causing all of the ruckus. There is a certain amount of cognitive dissonance in understanding who Tiger is and who he is not. And it's sad.

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Seth doesn't yet know what it means to lie, but it seems like kids learn these things earlier all the time. I've watched it happen with my nieces and nephews -- suddenly there is this realization that I could mislead you. And maybe, I could benefit (at least superficially) from doing so. My brother and I were recently talking about how to teach our kids the value of honesty and truth. It isn't easy. We agreed that the best route is through example. See, kids notice everything. If you call a friend and say you can't attend because your son is ill (and he's not) your son notices. If you tell someone on your cell phone that you aren't at home and you are, your daughter will see it. When you lie to your spouse or your boss or your child's teacher, they notice! When I fake it, having just said the opposite in front of Seth, he learns. THAT's where our kids get this bad trait: US. And that's truly unfortunate, because God is very clear on this front:

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"Do not steal. Do not lie. Do not deceive one another." Lev. 19:11

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"My lips will not speak wickedness, and my tongue will utter no deceit." Job 27:4

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"The LORD detests lying lips, but he delights in men who are truthful." Prov. 12:22

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"Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator." Col. 3:9-10

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"Keep your tongue from evil, and your lips from speaking deceit." Ps. 34:13

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For my part, instead of engaging in the all-tempting voyeurism of Tiger and his family, I'm going to pray for him. That truth and The Truth would permeate his life and he would be a changed man. Maybe we all have just a little to learn from Tiger's plight about being real, honest, decent, and transparent. I know I do.

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"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." Phil. 4:8

Prayers

". . . . my soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say, 'My endurance has perished; so has my hope from the Lord.' Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall! My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me. But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, therefore I will hope in him.' The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."

Lamentations 3: 17 - 27.

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Clear MRI. Thank you Jesus!

Peyton Lynn Steiner

Introducing Peyton Lynn Steiner!

The road here wasn't easy, but she made it!

All five pounds, seven ounces of her.

Look at those tootsies!

Grandpa already in love with Number 9 . . . .

Mama said I did a really good job.

I wasn't even jealous.

Just curious!

Welcome to the Steiner Family, Peyton!

Winter Fun!

Mama and I went back to Maryland during their HUGE snow storm and I got to go sledding with Sammy, Grace, and Uncle Tim! Yahoo!

Trust Issues

I was recently reminded that I have trust issues. Big ones. No, not the kind that makes me wait until a car approaching a red light comes to a complete stop before crossing, but rather the kind that needs more than a person's word to take to the bank. Or, gulp, sometimes, more than God's Word.

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I have not been feeling well. For a while now. It is impacting my ability to work, to parent, to be a good friend, and to write this blog. I'm exhausted all of the time and have other strange symptoms I won't bore you with. I'm very blessed to have many doctors in my life including my brother-in-law, my dear friends Beth, Jen, and Lori, as well as my own team of people that I see professionally. None of them think anything serious is going on. None of them are panicking. None of them think I'm rational. :) Ha. But even hearing them tell me "you're okay" isn't enough. Even hearing the neurologist tell me last week, "I'm not worried. If you want additional tests, I will order them for you but not for me. I don't need more tests.". That worked. For a minute. And then I spent all weekend panicking about _____ since we haven't done the most important test. Oh brother. Talk about not trusting the experts!!!

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So Wednesday I had an MRI and shortly we will know for certain about the issue most troubling me. Somewhere behind the fear I know I'm fine. Or will be. But I needed objective raw data to tell me that to be at peace in my head and my heart. Pray for those results. A clear brain!!

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This journey to find my health (again) runs a strong parallel to my journey of faith. I believe in God. I love Him. I pray. I worship. I serve. But the truth is, I also often doubt and long for that objective Truth to smack me in the head like the results of an MRI. Something I can see and touch and taste and hold. But that's not what faith is like, is it? Faith is believing what we cannot see. Faith is a leap into the unknown. Faith is not uninformed or baseless, but it can be reckless and is always wilful, at least for me. See, sometimes I have to will myself to have faith because often, what I see, touch, experience, and live would lead me to the opposite conclusion. Faith is hard. Faith takes work. Faith takes FAITH.

`

Lord, help me to continue to grow in my faith in You. Help me to trust You and the plan You have for me, my family and this world. Thank You for being ever present and all-knowing. Amen and amen.

Do-Good-er

I love snow. No, I don't want it year round, but I love it. Love watching it fall, love playing in it, and love the quiet it brings to the neighborhood for at least a few days after it falls. So cleansing and beautiful. Pure. Clean. Perfect.

`

When I got off the train yesterday it was a no-brainer. About six inches of snow had fallen since I left for work and as I dug out my car, I noticed a woman coming from the train to dig out her car, right in front of mine. I quickly finished cleaning off the Cab and started on her car. Not because of some desire to be a do-good-er but because I love snow and felt energetic for the moment and felt like maybe she needed an extra hand today.

`

The woman uttered a quick thank you, asking me how much snow I thought had fallen. And then she launched. She started lecturing me (I don't believe that's an exaggeration) on the fact that when I park behind her (which I often do) I'm regularly illegally parked on a yellow curb. She tried to curb the lecture into concern about me receiving a ticket, but it quickly becomes clear she wants to be the last car in the row. (I will spare you my defense but let's just say she leaves room for 3/4 a car, effectively eliminating one entire space). I sighed, thanked her for letting me know I'm at risk of getting a ticket (whatever) and happily finished off her car.

`

What a great reminder that service is about MY heart, not the heart of the person receiving help. Their worthiness, gratitude, ..... their heart has nothing to do with it. How often do I decline to help someone because I don't think they will be grateful? How often do I look the other way because "that person" isn't worthy of my help? Too often, I fear. Lord, make it about my heart. Make my heart more like yours. Amen and amen.

`

"The Lord loves a cheerful giver." 2 Corin. 9:7

Do The Right Thing

On our late flight home from Orlando, I sat next to a somewhat annoying father of two, whose children were seated in front of us with their mom. During our long flight, he asked me about my occupation -- the usual stuff of flights. I made the mistake of answering with way too many details. I told him I'm a former federal prosecutor, now working at a large law firm in criminal defense and government investigations. Open the flood gates . . . .

`

For the next two hours, I was cross-examined by this gentleman about prosecutions, police work, and being a lawyer. Sigh. That will teach me to open my mouth. Ha! One of his questions stuck with me, however: "When you were a prosecutor, did you want to 'do the right thing' or were you 'in it to win it'?" Huh. Interesting question and an easy one for me, quite frankly. The right thing was ALL I cared about when I prosecuted. This man was stunned when I told him about cases I declined for lack of evidence or when an agent went south on me mid-trial and we dismissed the case. I think this gentleman doesn't really like prosecutors or agents or police officers. Very mistrustful. Nevertheless, I found his question interesting.

`

See, I am competitive. And I LOVE to win. But as a prosecutor, it wasn't my main goal -- not even close. Probably because I'm a little bit of a Bleeding Heart. Ah, there it is. ;) Win, but not at all costs. Isn't that yet another little slice of life?

`

If there's anything I want to give Seth it is the desire to do only the right thing. Yes, I hope he's competitive. I hope he wants (and likes) to win. It's the foundation of this country, like it or not, so he kind of needs to be competitive. But not over the top.

`

The Bible doesn't really address competition -- at least not directly. Instead, it commands us to lay down our lives for each other. (John 15: 12-13. "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.") Treat others better than ourselves. (Phil. 2:3. "In humility consider others better than yourselves.") Give a stranger the coat off our back (Matt. 5:40. "If anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, let him have your coat also."). Love others. (John 15:12. "Love each other as I have loved you."). Love our enemies. (Matt 5:44. "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you."). Doesn't sound like win at all costs to me.

`

I don't believe, however, that God calls us to be weak or door mats for people who want to run us over. No. God raises up the poor (Matt. 5:3. "Blessed are the Poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.") gives strength to the weak (Is. 40:31. "But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.") fights for the oppressed (Ps. 9:9-10 "The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble."). He is the ultimate Judge, Arbiter, Decider. And Jesus also didn't bow to questions or pressure, even when he could have . . . .

`

But nevertheless, since the greatest of these is love (1 Cor. 13:13. "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.") living life doing only what's right in every situation is my end game. Now to help Seth understand that . . . .

`

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Matt. 7:12

Vacation!

Mama and I went to Orlando to see some of my many cousins last weekend. It was fun!

Andrew shared this really cool train track with me. It runs by remote control. How cool is that!?!?!

No, I didn't like it at all:

I also got to play outside without a coat, but it wasn't real warm and the sun was hiding for most of our trip. Bummer!

This motorcycle is cool, eh?

And Andrew took me for a ride in the jeep.

Yahoo!

I also got a taste of the trampoline.

These are blurry, because I was so fast, but you get the idea!

Aunt Holly is a good jumper!

Then, I got to spend time with so many of my cousins! Brynn, Danae, Hope, Anna, Ashley, Andrew, Maddie, Bridget, and Danielle! PHEW!

Remarkably, we all shared pretty darn good!

This is Jake, Shannon, and Danielle. We saw them at Christmas. Remember?

Andrew and I share obsessions . . .

But I think Anna may have been my favorite playmate. We had some good times!

Then on Monday, even in the rain, we got to go to the Magic Kingdom. It's still all really lost on me for the most part, but I had fun anyway! I learned to wait in line:

And rode on Dumbo:

Aunt Holly got us some treats!
Could we be any cuter???

When we were ready to leave, there was a parade.

Unfortunately, this was me:

A good time was had by all!

Bridget and Maddie

Aunt Nolie and Brynn

Aunt Holly and Andrew

And some of us cousins!

When we got home, Uncle Matt suggested a bath.

Um, not sure he meant THIS:

My exuberance didn't go over so well.

So, we just read some books and went to bed.

Thanks for a great trip Aunt Peggy, Uncle Steve, Holly, Jim, Noelle, George, Matt, Kelly, Jake, Shannon and ALLLLL my cousins!!!