As Seth is nearing two years old, the battles between Seth and me, while still infrequent, are becoming more pronounced. He has a will and I’m glad about that. Having a will serves you well in life. Gives you passion; makes you hard-working; frankly, makes you more interesting! So the last thing I want to do as a parent is squash his will or his spirit. I want it to grow, and I want to guide it toward the right things. That’s the trick to parenting, isn’t it?
On Saturday, we drove to Manchester College to see some friends. I had a plan for the day: get up early, drive to Indiana, stay until bedtime, and drive home. One day trip; that was my plan. Seth handled the plan beautifully. He rode in the car – watching his videos and happily singing along. Once we got there, he played with friends – showing them his trains and looking at animals and meeting lots of strangers. He even took a nap when he had enough – two hours in his stroller!! Wow! Then he was awake again: eating and playing and meeting more people. He was a trooper on what was a very long day. We left about 10 and drove home. Of course, he stayed awake way too long, telling me all about his day and his crush on Kelsey…..
I had a plan for that day and it went according to plan. Seth played right inside the boundaries of what I had hoped for. There are many things that could have happened that would not have ruined the plan or been outside of the boundaries, but could have made it more difficult. For example, Seth could have gone without a nap. Not perfect, but fine. He could have had a melt down. I expected one, frankly, but he didn’t. He might not have liked all my friends and family, but he seemed to. Regardless, I drew a big circle around the day, knew the potential downsides that could occur, but hoped to play inside the lines and Seth did beautifully. My “will” for that day was accomplished.
Friday was a tough day. I unexpectedly got a call from Seth’s doctor, setting us up to see yet another specialist (Endocrinologist) because of some urine tests Seth had a few weeks ago. I lost it. Not because of the test or the possible diagnosis, but because Seth and I have seen a doctor (or therapist or specialist of some sort) every couple of days (on average) for weeks. And so far we have five doctors’ appointments and surgery, all before the 21st, and that’s before we even get to post-op appointments! I’m exhausted of it. I’m exhausted for Seth. If one more person tries to look in his eyes I might punch them. I think, “We know what’s in his eyes and what isn’t. Look on the chart! Please don’t torture my son any more!!” Anyway, that was my flesh crying out on Friday. Enough is enough.
Seth’s increasing (and beautiful) strong will and the challenges we are facing medically have again prompted me to reflect on God’s will. And I ask myself: Is it God’s “will” (or plan) that Seth and I would walk this road? Hmm. I'm not sure. Do I think God allows it? You betcha. Do I think God is with us in it? For sure. Do I think God gives me the grace for each day to get through it? Yes. Even Friday? Yes. Over and over, yes. But I don’t know that I would call the difficult parts of my life with Seth “God’s Will,” but rather our life in a fallen world. I guess I’m not a Calvinist, according to Pastor Chris. :-) As I’ve thought and read and prayed about this I see it more like my life parenting Seth. God has drawn a circle around my life and because He gives me free will, he allows me to “play” inside the boundaries that He has drawn. I get to make choices and I believe they are real choices. I am not a puppet. I am not a fatalist. That’s the real mystery of loving and serving a God about whom we don’t know everything. We have free will and yet God has a Will. The intersection between those two is the mystery.
I believe God cares about all of the little things in my life, but only because He is good and loving and cares about ME. He collects my tears, scripture says. But I don’t read that to mean that every one of my steps is ordered. Does He know the beginning and the end? Yes. Does He know the middle? Yes, again. But that doesn’t mean that I go outside of God’s Will by the choices I make, IF those choices are not contrary to scripture. I believe God uses me in Chicago, but could also use me in Wichita, Kansas, if we chose to move there. I believe God is using me in Seth’s life (and Seth in mine, for sure) but I also believe He would have used me if I had not adopted Seth. I believe God delights in my choices, as long as they are within the boundaries He has set forth for me in the Bible. I don’t believe, however, that His will is a “dot” that I need to follow around – always making sure that I’m on “the dot” and never straying from “the dot.” (Pastor James MacDonald coined this idea in a great sermon series I’d be happy to share if you are interested.) God is way bigger than that.
So what does it mean when we pray, “Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.” For me, when we talk about God’s Will, I am talking about the way in which God uses WHATEVER our circumstance for His good. Our good choices AND our bad ones (those not scriptural). So while I believe God cares about my hurt and my exhaustion and my loneliness and my circumstances, I believe He cares precisely because of the relationship of those things to my heart for HIM. His Will is that His people would know Him and worship Him and serve Him. Let Thy Will be done!! I don’t think He cares whether I take this job or that, as long as it fits within the scriptural boundaries He has established. (Choosing “bank robber” as a profession probably ain’t gonna cut it.) I don’t think he cares whether I live here or there, unless He has placed a specific call on my life that I'm ignoring. I don’t even think he cares whether I marry or I don’t, other than how I may feel about that. His concern is how those circumstances are impacting His eternal purposes and how He might use them for His good. Maybe that’s why we oft say, “You can’t thwart God’s Will.” Because His Will is bigger than our circumstances. He USES those. Yes, He wants to give me the desires of my heart. I believe scripture whole-heartedly. But, again, how far does that go in terms of the choices I have the free will to make? Maybe God IS trying to give me the desires of my heart and I’m too willful to get it!
For me, God sets the boundaries and I should run within them. And I do. Or try to. When it’s hard and when it’s painful, it doesn’t mean I’m outside of His will. But I also don’t think it means the suffering IS God’s will either, although I believe there are times when it may be. We live in a fallen world, and God gives me the grace each day to get through just that day. (Thanks, Holly) That’s the intersection between God’s Will and mine. And what I hope to establish for Seth: The boundaries within which he has perfect and complete freedom to run and experience life – even the pains of it – with me in the background, cheering him on, delighting in his choices, and lovingly correcting him when he steps outside the boundaries. That’s the parent I want to be because that’s the Heavenly Father I have.
I had my paci because I completely missed nap-time. Cut me some slack!
Ruben and I got to feed some animals too. A llama. . . . 
Some very aggressive goats . . . 
And this very cute goose, who I was particularly fond of and wanted to touch in a bad way.
Oh and there were some sheep too.
Mommy doesn't know who taught me to look with my eyes, not my hands, but I'm pretty good at it!
Ruben got to ride a pony and Mom tried to help me, but I wasn't having it. Not this year.
I did, however, drive a CAR with Ruben! Yahoo!
And then, there was the best. The train! With Papa!
Holding on -- just in case. . . . :-)
And there was also a very scary Scarecrow who was walking around scaring everybody!! But it was funny (even though I'm covering my face). That's me, with Alonzo!
