On Friday, the kiddos and I hit the airport for our trip to Dallas.
YAY!!!
Because of a booking snafu, Leah's seat was not next to mine.
For some reason the agents thought all three of us should sit together.
Ha!
So we got moved.....
....all the way to the very back of the plane.
And when I say back, I mean BACK.
As in, remove the catering area, cram in some new rows, BACK.
Nice, American Airlines....
We were in row 32 of 32.
The last row.
But we had a window.
Unfortunately, that window looked directly at the side of the engine we now hugged with our seats, and we could see NOTHING.
N.o.t.h.i.n.g.
For most of the flight, this was not an issue.
The kids were awake for only about 20 minutes until they passed out on my lap and slept the rest of the way. (Sweet!)
As we began our descent, however, the lack of ability to see started to wear on me in an "I'm going to freak out and have an anxiety attack" kind of way.
I knew we were descending; the popping in my ears told me as much.
But I had no idea where we were or how close we were to touch down or whether we were going to "make it" to the runway.
And then it hit me -- something it has taken me nearly 40 years to acknowledge and something I apparently still need to resolve:
I am a control freak.
Yep.
There.
I said it.
I live with the *massively mistaken stupid* belief that I can control situations.
Like airplanes.
Or relationships.
I mean, if I can see outside, I can know (and therefore control) what's going to happen next, right?
Um, not so much.
I am really good at trying to justify my need to see, though.
Like if I can SEE what's coming (like the ground, the landing, whatever) then I can pray more accurately for what needs to happen next.
Really?
That argument quickly loses traction in the face of KNOWING that I can pray no.matter.what. and God will hear my prayers.
Furthermore, trying to control God?
Good luck with that.
But isn't this lack of control the essence of our faith?
My faith?
Believing, praying, trusting, walking, even running when we CAN'T see what's coming next?
This struggle permeates every last part of my life.
{sigh}
Controlling my home.
My kids.
My (would-be) spouse.
My job. Or better said, my career.
My church.
My family.
Even my friends.
I mean, really? That's gross.
It's high time that I realize (AGAIN) that this illusion of control that I have is just that:
An illusion.
The Creator of the Universe is the only One really in control of any of it.
And I trust HIM.... because I know Him.
And He loves me.
So the next time I feel panicky about not being able to see (in my flesh) what is next, I pray that I can remember and turn to the One who does know the beginning and the end and TRUST that He's got this.
I thought the post would end there, but then God reminded (loudly) that even in this struggle, there is grace.
Here's an example.
Leah's ANC counts have been low for a while now.
It freaks me out.
And she's still not technically undetectable -- although her viral load is very low.
In the midst of worrying about {read: trying to control} her health and her future, I returned from Uganda. The first day I was home, Leah was sitting on the floor playing and God gave me the most beautiful vision:
Leah turned and looked up at me from the floor where she sat.
As she turned, she smiled an almost "knowing" smile.
Right there, God transformed her into the most beautiful teenager I've ever seen.
Gorgeous.
Just as fast, she was back to my three year old little squirt, and my glimpse of the future was gone.
And I could breathe again.
God is in control.
Period.
How many times must I learn this lesson?
