Eyes Up

I have a great life.  I mean, really.  I don’t have much that I can complain about.  I have three amazing children; I have a great {and endlessly flexible} job; we have a fantastic new church; and late this fall, my friends and I launched a nonprofit, Pure & Faultless.  Things are very, very good.

But single parenting is hard – there are no two ways about it.  There is always something burning somewhere, some unattended need or want or “to do.”  Sacrifices are made.  Floors are dirty.  And we move on.  One of the reasons that I have been able to manage single parenthood is because I excel at task management.  Logistics are my “thing.”  I can line them up and knock them out like nobody’s business.  When the enemy wants to discourage me, the way to do so is not to send more logistics {although I’m not wonder woman; I do get tired….} but rather to get in the way of the completion of those logistics.  Don’t allow me to complete the check list or move the ball forward and I just may fall to pieces.

 Enter the last couple of months.  Starting unhappily on my birthday in mid-December, my life has been an up-side-down mess of undone or slowed tasks.  The Christmas season saw me mostly laid down, sick.  Influenza, strep throat, pink eye, …. and then my back went out.   Wonderful.  {sarcasm font}  In the midst of all of that, my very reliable Honda minivan decided to become unreliable and spend a week in the shop.  Logistical nightmare!

 Then it was time to prepare for Haiti. What an amazing trip in a gorgeous country visiting a fantastic ministry! We got home Tuesday night. By Wednesday around 5, it started.The nausea. The general upset. The intestinal rumbling. And then the never ending trips to the toilet. This went on for three full days through Saturday night. In the midst of it, I was tired, laid down and no-fun-at-all. Again! I was way past my close to my breaking point when I reached out for prayer and BAM. Done. Over. Thank God.  {prayer works; so does Cipro}

 As soon as that settled down, the snow started.  And it didn’t stop.  The news reports we got 19 inches.  Um, yeaaaa.  If 19 inches covers my children…. standing.  Either we got more at our house or my home is the apex for circling, blowing snow.   There is a lot of snow.  Nevertheless, this morning I popped up, got showered and dressed, cleaned off the back steps, and went to the van to go pick up our nanny whose car on the street was completely buried.  19 inches.  I very skillfully pulled it out of the garage and stuck it permanently in our alley.  No inch forward; no inch backward. 

 Have you ever heard the phrase “last straw?”  Yep.  That was it.  Right there in my vacant van I had a complete and total meltdown.  Whyyyyyy????  Oh woe is meeeeeee!!!  Someone hellllllp meeeee!!!  {crickets}  Yea, no one was quite as foolish as I was, so with the kids safely inside like all normal people, I spent 3 hours 20 minutes digging, salting, propping, rocking, digging some more, and eventually moving my van back inside the garage.  There would be no nanny today and no work from my office.  Wonderful.  Again.

In the midst of all of these gigantic pretty minor trials of late, I started to feel discouraged.  If only I had a husband to tackle some of this with me.  If only there was someone else around to play with the kids when I’m laid up forever for a season.  If only there was someone to hold me while I sobbed about just feeling like things are a little bit harder these days.  If only.

But in that same moment, I heard my very own voice speaking to myself what God had given me in the fall:  Eyes Up.  Eyes up, when your feelings get hurt.  Eyes up, when you face temporary impediments.  Eyes up, when the attacks come.  Eyes up, in praise!  Eyes up, when your first born brings out argument 287 for the day.  Just, eyes up. So we march forward.  Apparently healthy and now drowning in snow.  But eyes up.  Spring is just around the corner.