Not quite ready for "The Hard"

Adoption is beautiful.

And hard.

It is born out of brokenness and loss and (honestly) pain.

I knew this when I adopted my bebes.

Watching my brothers process their adoptions throughout their lives and now into their 30s/40s has been enlightening.

But still, there is this part of me that wants to pretend it isn't so, even as I tell my kids about their life stories.

It's not that I am ashamed or afraid of their adopted status; it's more that we've reached a place where they are "my own" and the adoption piece feels far away, to me.

Until the hard comes.

Not unlike his surprise questions about our family's lack of a daddy, Seth surprised me again last night at bedtime.

I had just finished my Leah snuggle and crawled into bed with Seth.  After we got situated, and said prayers, Seth was chattering away about nothing important when he threw this bomb:

"Mom, why did my birth mom leave me after I was born-ed?"

Deep breath.

She didn't, honey.  She decided that she was not grown up enough to care for you so she wanted someone else to be your mommy.

"Why hasn't she come to get me yet?"

Ouch.

Your birth mom decided that I should be your mommy.  And God made us a family.

"Why did she choose you to be my Mommy?"

Welllll, I guess because she thought I would be a good mommy; and she was right, wasn't she? 

{After which I tickled him}

"Yea.  I need a bath."

And just like that, it was over.  The mind of a four year old....

It's so hard.  I adore my Seth; it's like I birthed him myself.  I don't think much about the fact that he was adopted.... of course, we talk about it, but not every day.  And yet, there is this hard "stuff" coming for him (and for me) and some days, I just want to crawl back under my covers and pretend that it's not true and that he has been mine since the beginning of time.  He has been, in a sense.  God designed our family to be together, and when I am more rational, I know it's not about me and he means nothing personal by his questions.  But then there are those hard moments where it feels like my heart has been pierced by a knife and I remember that the hard is still yet to come.

Adoption.

Beautiful and hard.

Redemption and pain.

Belonging and loss.

God's glory on earth.