Watershed

On those watershed moments with God.

I have been blessed to spend some great time with great friends lately. Wednesday, I got Debbie -- my new friend and mentor and wise one -- all to myself for several hours. Yeah! Then, Thursday, at Breakthrough, I got to connect with one of my favorite people in the world -- Von. Interestingly, these conversations migrated to the same thing and the subject of this Blog: Seth.

With Debbie (who doesn't really know him yet) I spent a short time explaining all of Seth's little "issues" and some of the many doctors we are keeping employed between the two of us. She shared that her niece also has a special needs child and writes a blog about it. (Checked out her Blog -- we should be friends!!!). Anyway, after I heard about Debbie's niece, I shared about my watershed moment with Seth back when he was just two months old. I can't recall if I blogged about it at the time, but it doesn't matter. Am now.

When Seth was just two months old (or less) I already knew that something wasn't quite right with him. He didn't look at me like other little guys would and I started to worry. Started to panic. (I associate lack of eye contact with autism. Of course, two months old is WAY too young to notice, much less diagnose, autism, but I didn't know that at the time.). Anyway, I was up all night, worried and praying and crying out to God that Seth would be "perfect." At some point, I collapsed and could finally hear God. (Amazing what happens when we shut our flappers and stop talking to ourselves, our friends, or even God. God can speak once we stop!!) And He did. As if He spoke directly into my soul, God reminded me that whatever issues Seth may have (insert list of "horribles") God will be with us. If we have to have tests and surgeries, God will be there. If we have times of struggle, God will be there too. When I feel like I can't do it as a single mom, God will step in. "I will never leave you nor forsake you," He said.

I can't begin to tell you what that moment was like. It seeped deep into my soul and I've never forgotten it. Nor will I. But most importantly, since then (now, 20 months later) I don't worry about Seth. I don't worry about what struggles we will face or what the future holds. God's promises to me, reiterated that night almost two years ago, are enough. His grace is enough. Sure, some of the stuff we face with Seth is daunting and scary. And I pray. A lot. But fear does not grip me and I am not overcome. God is in control. Loved sharing that memory with Debbie. I can't wait to see what God does with that relationship!!!

So, fast forward 24 hours and I'm with Von at Breakthrough. We exchanged pleasantries (like we often do) and then without much fanfare, jumped right into the heart of life and what's happening. (This is why I love him). Von is a great listener. Compassion and empathy ooze from him. When we sat down for dinner, Ed (our fearless leader) asked how Seth is doing. I gave him the run down of where we are and what's next and how to pray for him. Von sat next to me, quietly listening. When I was done, Von said, "God has given Seth precisely the right mother." Could there be any better message than that -- particularly for an adoptive mother??? I will treasure that message forever. Thank you, Von.

But it gets better: watershed. Von and I started talking about my adoption process and how God was present and called me and directed me and how in-tune I felt (God is always tuned in -- whether I am is another question). And then it hit me: during the home study process, I was very open to whatever child God would have for me. Or so I thought. I'd take any race. Any age. Boy or girl. Any exposure to drugs and maybe even alcohol. But I was very specific that I could not handle and did not want a special needs child. I am single after all, I rationalized to my social worker, and if God has called me to adopt, surely He doesn't want it to be THAT hard for me. Hmmm. Interesting statements I made.

See, God gave me a special needs baby despite my view of my own limitations. God gave me Seth with all of his glorious and, at times, painful issues. And I adore him. And I wouldn't change one thing about him. Not one. That's the definition of unconditional love. Sure, Seth's life is going to be a little more challenging than some other kids. He has therapy three days a week and at least one major surgery on the horizon. But God is with him. God is with us. He's using Seth's "stuff" for our good and I pray every day that Seth would put his lessons through these trials to Kingdom use one day. God putting Seth in my life (a special needs child and the one thing I thought I couldn't handle) taught me that God knows and understands what we need better than we can ever know. God knows our deepest needs, our deepest desires, and the sum total of what we can handle. God knows. Isn't there some great comfort in that, even when we feel like He didn't "do what we wanted Him to do?" And how arrogant is the assumption that we would know better than GOD?!?! His ways are perfect.

That realization leads to me to this final thought. There is a book called Sacred Parenting that I read just after Seth was born. Loved it. Highly recommend it. The same author wrote Sacred Marriage with the tag line -- what if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?.... I'm reading that now. I find the title interesting and probably true, based on what friends have told me about their marriages. But isn't the title a bit short sighted? That is, doesn't God use our LIVES for holiness? Didn't God put us here, married or not, so that we would become more holy? Certainly, God didn't put us here so we would be "happy" and skip along without a care in the world -- although that seems alluring sometimes. God put us here for HIM and HIS glory and HIS purposes. He allows these challenges for refinement. For holiness. For real-ness. And yes, He delights in our happiness but calls us only to JOY (I'm working on that!). After all, even Jesus wept and suffered and cried out for God, asking why God had forsaken Him. May it be ever more the same for me and my family -- total and complete submission to God's will.

God, help me (and Seth) to know the full measure of your Holiness . . . in everything that I do and in everything that I am. I thank you for Seth and for how You have used him to teach me so many things. We submit to Your will in our lives. AMEN!
Watershed.